A Glorious Treasury of the Conservative Gay Marriage Freakout

By Anna Merlan  |  June 26, 2015 | 3:30pm
Latest

All the obstacles against gay marriage being recognized everywhere are gone, and social conservatives everywhere are looooooooooooosing it. Gloating isn’t nice, but let’s just have one little taste, shall we?

They’re losing it in the Supreme Court with a very weird slavery analogy from the court’s only black justice:

They’re losing it because they still think they have a shot at being president, lololol, and they want to remind you how they feel about Traditional Marriage America Flag Freedom:

They’re losing it because they’re sad old bigots who haven’t updated their musical references in quite some time:

They’re losing it because they’re Texas Governor Greg Abbott, who hates gays so much he didn’t even want them to be able to get divorced in his state:

This guy from the Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention is losing it in video form, declaring, “The Supreme Court can do many things, but it cannot get Jesus Christ back into the grave.” (Were they… trying to put him back in there, though?)

They’re losing it because they’re Jeb Bush and they feel obligated to throw a teeny tiny tantrum about this one for appearances sake, despite not really caring about anything at all, due to being cold and dead inside:

“Guided by my faith, I believe in traditional marriage. I believe the Supreme Court should have allowed the states to make this decision. I also believe that we should love our neighbor and respect others, including those making lifetime commitments. In a country as diverse as ours, good people who have opposing views should be able to live side by side. It is now crucial that as a country we protect religious freedom and the right of conscience and also not discriminate.”

They’re losing it in a very boring, predictable, slur-filled way on Twitter:

From the bottom of our hearts, to every single person listed above: lolololololol.

Contact the author at [email protected].
Public PGP key
PGP fingerprint: 67B5 5767 9D6F 652E 8EFD 76F5 3CF0 DAF2 79E5 1FB6

Photo via AP Images

Image via Shutterstock

 
Join the discussion...