

Sometime around 2008, I realized I could solve every Law & Order mystery before the first commercial break whether I had seen the episode or not. For Law & Order SVU, of course, this is no difficult feat: the perpetrator is always the most famous of the guest stars. But I began to realize that I’d watched so many episodes of the original series, SVU, and Criminal Intent that I could guess the plotlines along with the killer. “The lady from Facts of Life killed the maid because she’d have to split her inheritance if anyone found out the maid was her dead father’s love child from the blood test they all had to take after a recent burglary,” I would triumphantly declare to my empty living room. But being right about formulaic mysteries is only impressive to an audience of one for so long, which is why I moved on from American murder to British murder, an entirely different kettle of dead fish. And at this point, I have spent over a decade watching every BBC, ITV, Channel 4, Acorn, and Britbox mystery available on each of my various streaming services. And while I only have a DI Lestrade record of solving them before the detective does, I’ve got a Sherlock level of canniness for discerning what a murder show will be about based on its title.
Murder is the obvious answer. But much like American chocolate or cheese, it becomes incredibly clear that Yankee knowledge of the genre is severely limited when sampling the varieties Great Britain has to offer. And just as a Gloucester simply won’t suffice in place of a Shropshire Blue, a drizzly rain murder is not the same as a sunny manorhouse murder. Sometimes, one wants a murder that isn’t really about crime so much as it is Scottish sweaters and loneliness. Other times, one simply wants to watch a hot man solve a mystery, though, in the case of Shetland, these impulses are interchangeable. Occasionally, a person might want to spend an afternoon unfurling a cheerful yarn in which a drifter is found bludgeoned to death in a Cotswalds vicarage and the killer must be caught before all this bothersome death puts a damper on the much-anticipated church bell unveiling ceremony. Different moods require different murders. So if you’ve been sitting at home thinking that you might enjoy passing the time by watching other people attempt to understand why one person might kill another but you’ve seen all available Law & Order, allow me to help you sort, at a glance, the British mysteries available through your streaming services.