Accused Sex Trafficker Matt Gaetz Calls Abortion Rights Supporters Lonely Cat Ladies

"No Bumble matches"—how sad! But perhaps not quite as sad as not even being allowed on Bumble because you can’t pass its screenings for sex offenders.

Accused Sex Trafficker Matt Gaetz Calls Abortion Rights Supporters Lonely Cat Ladies
Photo:Megan Varner (Getty Images)

I can name a lot of people who really shouldn’t be running their mouths about anything related to sex right now, much less posting smug shit about the potential end of Roe v. Wade in a country with the highest maternal mortality rate among wealthy nations. But perhaps at the top of that list is Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.)—the overgrown frat boy in Congress currently under federal investigation for alleged sex trafficking and the statutory rape of a 17-year-old.

“How many of the women rallying against overturning Roe are over-educated, under-loved millennials who sadly return from protests to a lonely microwave dinner with their cats, and no bumble matches?” he wrote in a bizarre Wednesday tweet.

Gaetz, you’ll note, looks like this, which makes painting abortion rights supporters as incels who can’t get laid hilarious. What do you think is causing us to need abortions, sir? We’re not getting impregnated by our cats.

As to the “no Bumble matches”—LOL, how sad! But not quite as sad as not even being allowed on Bumble because you can’t pass its screenings for sex offenders. Of course, I doubt Gaetz even wants to be on Bumble anyway. He’s married, and the app notably bans underage users, which is probably the greater deterrent.

As for his… insult (?)… that women who support abortion rights are “over-educated,” let me just say that I have tremendous respect for his saying the quiet part out loud. These days, anti-abortion politicians are all about insultingly masquerading as feminists, telling women and pregnant people we “deserve better” than abortion. But here Gaetz is looking women in the eye and telling us we don’t deserve higher education, we don’t belong in schools and workplaces, and that it’s deeply unattractive to him when we aren’t toiling away in the kitchen (or, I imagine, are over the age of 17).

It’s just really something to see this man, of all men, rejoice so publicly about the end of American women’s and pregnant people’s human rights—or do anything publicly, really—when he continues to face charges for alleged sex trafficking and statutory rape. Colleagues in Congress have said Gaetz has shown them nude photos of women he’s slept with while literally on the House Floor. Relevant to recent lore among the Republican caucus, some witnesses claim they’ve seen Gaetz do coke and have sex with an escort who was paid with campaign money. And for all the Congressman’s bluster about women who support abortion being single (oodles more fun than a loveless marriage to an alleged sex trafficker), having cats (delightful companions), and eating microwave dinners (which slap, by the way), it sure sounds like he has to buy his own relationships.

As recently as March, Gaetz took to Fox News to claim he felt “vindicated each and every day that the facts are revealed,” referring to the ongoing federal investigation. As you might have guessed, he wasn’t able to specify a single one of those supposedly vindicating facts. Instead, what we do know regarding the possible, illegal sexual relationship with a minor, is that a year ago, a friend of Gaetz’s pleaded guilty to six charges of sex trafficking amid the investigation of Gaetz.

The Daily Beast then reported that Gaetz paid $900 to this friend, Joel Greenberg, who then immediately made suspicious Venmo payments to three young women totaling…$900. And new reports have surfaced that a friend of Greenberg’s watched him talk to the Congressman on the phone, to inform him that he’d had sex with a 17-year-old. No new revelations have contradicted any of these reports.

Seeing as the news cycle is constantly inundated with happenings like, say, a war in Ukraine and the rapidly-approaching end of legal abortion, you’d think the investigation around Gaetz would be old news by now. But as the FBI takes its sweet time and we await the investigation’s conclusion, what keeps that news relevant is that Gaetz can’t seem to shut the fuck up. Not even to save his career, or at the very least get people to stop bringing up the sex-trafficking charges against him. Please shitpost, away, sir. We’re happy to continue bringing up these charges every single time.

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