All the Worst Parts of This Article on Sex and Wearing a Push-Up Bra

By Kate Dries | December 2, 2013 | 7:10pm

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On Monday, Salon published a piece by Tammy Delatorre entitled “Dating in a push-up bra.” There’s not much to say about it that can’t be gleaned from reading the piece, except to say that it’s unfortunate it didn’t get a spot in the just-published Worst in Sex writing for 2013.

“His head rests on my chest. We are naked, but he is unaroused.”
“Earlier in the evening when I tipped back a martini with extra olives, his eyes locked on my falsified feminine pillows.”
“Now in bed together, I think of signposts, yellow and black, which warn of wet, winding roads ahead. But mine bears a straight line.”
“I turn to the window. The moon, like my heart, is almost full, but never quite.”
“My heart wanes a little just remembering.”
“The Miracle Bra — the name held promise: make me more, maybe enough.”
“As he wolfed down yellowtail from a sushi platter…”
“toilet tissue titties”
“I hold on to this idea of a girl at spring dance made desirable by augmentation.”
“Back in my bedroom, the moon is obscured by clouds, but I can still make out my lover’s profile. He nuzzles against my flatline.”
“Was he laughing at my breasts? The laugh bounces around in my head like a ping-pong ball tonight.”
“And perhaps a man could accept me for both my flat chest and cushioning.”
“The moon comes out. It seems larger now that it’s taken center sky and pushed the clouds from sight. My eyes eye him, as eyes do. I know his body well, waking up to it, studying it while he sleeps, using every inch of it as a text for arousal, remembering back to that first night when his body was a verse not yet read. I am looking at his strong shoulders as if they say, never mind the moon or open window. I imagine tadpoles shimmying toward the moonlight, and the sounds of our lovemaking as if in a dream in which I am enough.“

If you are interested in a well-written piece about the magical femininity of breasts that includes a hilarious anecdote about the unintended comical ramifications of buying bras with differently sized padding, try Nora Ephron’s “A Few Words About Breasts.”