American Horror Story Baddest Witch: All of These Moms Are Terrible


Last night’s American Horror Story: Coven was a bit of a jumble, huh? One might even argue that it was the worst of the season and others might disagree, but there is one indisputable fact: This show has major mommy issues.

We kicked off the episode with Queenie walking alone through a hobo camp underneath a highway overpass. It’s late at night and all of the homeless people are doing menacing things like…sleeping, but we know not to worry about our gal too much what with her being a human voodoo doll and all. That said, the rules of her powers have always been pretty unclear and she has gotten injured at least twice — once when she was hit in the head with a frying pan and again when she was impaled by the minotaur that she was attempting to molest (you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the Facts of Life!) — but, oh, well. In this case they tell us that Queenie will be fine so Queenie will be fine.

Well, fine-ish. Eventually she’s accosted by a wild-eyed man with a hammer, but she ends up completely beating the shit out of him and cutting out his still-beating heart. It’s cool, though. The man was actually a serial rapist and she knows this because Marie Laveau told her. This is actually the second time she’s committed or assisted in a murder based only on someone else’s word (remember, it was her trick with the acid that got Myrtle Snow condemned to burn at the stake). Time to start thinking for yourself there, Queen Bean, because this follow-the-leader business is getting you nowhere.

Mid-murder, Queenie is discovered by her fellow teen witches Zoe and Madison. They’re able to find her because apparently witches are able to sense each other, but again, this is another one of those powers that only works sometimes and not others. #logic

Zoe is still trying to round up all of the witches to protect themselves against whoever/whatever it is that’s been picking them off, but Queenie, pilfered heart in hand, decides to stick with Laveau. Apparently, once you go Black Magic, you never go Back Magic.

Back at the Real World: New Orleans house, Zoe is attempting to teach Frankenboyfriend how to speak again, but he keeps getting distracted by Madison making out with him. Eventually, he and Zoe get a moment alone and he’s able to string a very sweet sentence together. “SLOTH LOVE CHUNK,” he tells her, pawing at her hair with his club fists. “I love you, too,” she says back. Awwwwwwww. JK, I find this whole relationship very unsettling.

While Zoe and Frankenboyfriend were clumsily confessing their love, Madison was secretly spying on them and now she’s terribly jealous. But that’s just one element in the growing resentment between the two, the other being the girls’ growing suspicion that Zoe might be the next Ultimate Grand Supreme. (Don’t worry, Madison. You still might win a crown for your age group or maybe even the undead category.) The idea that Zoe — with all her superior hats — is the next coven leader is thrown into question when Fleetwitch Mac comes twirling twirling twirling into the mansion with a newly revived/still utterly fabulous Myrtle Snow in tow. Myrtle thinks that Fleetwitch is the next Supreme, although I guess she’s pretty biased.

Things being as they are, no one can become the next Supreme until the current Supreme is dead — and apparently she has to die by suicide if her powers are to be passed on? This whole thing made no sense to me, but I didn’t question it — probably because I drank enough wine by this point to reach the level of drunkeness at which the plot holes on American Horror Story no longer bother you.

Anyway, the witches decide that they need to trick Fiona into killing herself, mostly by making her think that Madison has revived herself, is the next Supreme and is coming for her power. The plan almost works. Fiona dresses up like Little Edie and takes a bunch of pills with the plan of offing herself, but is brought back to life by the ghost of Spalding who is somehow corporeal enough to grip a bottle of ipecac. God, how can we be invested in whether or not these characters live or die if death on this show means literally nothing?

Fiona ends up barfing up the pills (sidenote: a lot of barf in this episode) and confronting the witches (including her own daughter) who tried to kill her. By the next morning, however, she’s all “Forgive and forget! I would have done the same thing!” but who really knows what’s going on in that noggin of hers. As of right now, because I’m annoyed with this show, I don’t even care what she’s up to. (I’m sorry, Jessica Lange. I’m angry and saying things I don’t mean.)

Over at Marie Laveau’s salon, Madame Delphine LaLaurie is still locked in a cage and still wearing an incredible tiger sweatshirt. Queenie, maybe feeling guilty after murdering a vagrant, decides to sneak LaLaurie some food, but the pair gets caught almost immediately. Then LaLaurie starts smarting off and spewing racist garbage at Laveau and it’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen anyone do on television. “Whatcha gonna do, kill me?” she taunts. “I can’t die.” What’s she gonna do? WHAT’S SHE GONNA DO? Bitch, you would know seeing as you’re the one who kept and tortured slaves in your attic for all those years. What would you do?

What Laveau does, it turns out, is first chop off Delphine’s hand and then chop of her head to send in a box to Fiona. Honestly, though, it’s unclear why would Fiona give a fuck whether LaLaurie has a head or not. It’s not like they’re friends or that LaLaurie even has anything that Fiona wants anymore. WHATEVER, Ryan Murphy. You’ve totally killed my wine buzz.

Speaking of buzzkills, let’s get to the fucked up mom stuff. Nan is back (where did you go, Nan?) and still harping on about Luke, the sculpted piece of white bread that lives next door. I guess, she has reason to worry because Luke’s mother (played by Patti LuPone) is a total psycho who makes him hose out his own butt in front of her to clean out his impurities. “Luke! You can’t be spending time with those girls,” she says (although when Patti LuPone says it, it sounds more like “l’UkE! You cAAAn’t ‘e spEnDING TIIIme with thOse gIIIIrls!) Nan ends up coming to his rescue by breaking into his house using only the power of her own mind (that’s new…), but her timing isn’t exactly great. Right after she gives him a smooch and they start their escape, Hank the Tintin-faced witch hunter, shoots a round of bullets through the window, killing Patti (don’t worry — Fleetwitch Mac brings her back immediately so so much for tension) and gravely wounding Luke. Poor Marlon Blando — can’t seem to do anything on this show without almost dying.

So let’s take a quick look at moms on AHS thus far:

Fiona = bad mom

Frankenboyfriend’s mom = rapist mom

Patti Lupone = crazy religious rapist mom

LaLaurie = tortured her daughters in an attic

Mother in hospital = soaked in blood and clutching at her stillborn baby

Slave mother = dead by suicide

Show writers, please go see your therapists.

So who’s this week’s baddest witch? It’s a tie between Nan and Fleetwitch. I’m too mad at the rest of them to even give them a ranking. I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED. NEGATIVE BILLION POINTS ALL AROUND.

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