Finally! American Horror Story: Coven has its very own serial killer! Season one had the nurse murderer and [spoiler], season 2 had Bloody Face and Swearengen Claus and season 3 has (drumrolllllllll) THE AXEMAN — and yes, if you are singing “I’m an axe man” to the tune of “I’m a Scatman,” you are doing everything right.
The Axeman (played by Danny Huston) is a (very real) serial killer who terrorized New Orleans circa 1919. In the Coven world, he’s got a thing for jazz and dames and saxophones and if you happen to not like jazz and dames and saxophones, he will bury an axe in your head. Or at least he WOULD bury an axe in your head if it wasn’t for the magically inclined gals of Miss Robichaux’s — specifically a witchy Grace Gummer, who happens to be the offspring of Meryl Streep (is EVERYTHING Meryl makes magic?) These Progressive era witches — with their Gibson Girl hair — are sick of the Axe Man thinking he owns the place so they defeat him with some good old fashioned spellwork…and also with knives.
SMASHCUT to nearly 100 years later when Zoe is snooping around Miss Minchin’s School for Ghouls and discovers an old ouija board along with several class photos that make it evident just how much the number of witches has dwindled in recent years. Still amped from last week’s zombie blood bath, she decides that now is the time to unite and take a stand against whoever (or whatever) it is that’s been picking them off.
If she wants to become a true coven, she’ll need the other girls’ help. This means convincing a reluctant Queenie and Nan to help her use the ouija to contact Madison/see if Madison is actually dead. Queenie is reluctant because she once saw her grandma use a ouija board and it resulted in a demon burning the house down and burning off half her grandma’s face.
Queenie eventually agrees to help out and the girl’s immediately make contact with a spirit, but it’s not the one they’re looking for. It’s the Axeman! (He’s the axeman! Ski bi di bi di do bap do! Do bam do!) Zoe makes a dirty deal with him by saying she’ll release his ghost if he tells her where Madison is. Ghost Murderer is all, “Go to the weird butler’s doll attic, you’ll find her there” and Zoe’s all “Thanks, but also psych about that whole letting you free thing.”
She does end up finding Madison in the attic, as well as Spalding, who she — with the help of Nan and Queenie — interrogates to find out Madison’s cause of death. Spalding gets real nasty, confessing to the murder and talking about dead pussy and all that, but Zoe doesn’t believe him. Good, great, cool. Glad you tortured this weirdo in a nightgown all so that you could reject his confession. What are you, AMERICA?
Zoe then heads off to the bayou to find Fleetwitch Mac for a little revival magic, but Kyle the Frankenboyfriend beats her there. Fleetwitch, with her beautiful fringe-y scarves and caring nature, tries to clean Frankenboyfriend up with a basin bath, but Frankenboyfriend does not like that very much. FAIR ENOUGH — his (now murdered) mother molested him in the shower for his entire childhood. But then he goes and breaks the radio that Fleetwitch uses to dance to Stevie Nicks all day everyday and she’s like, “Hell no. GTFO with your broken puzzle body already.”
Fortunately, that’s the exact moment that Zoe shows up to bring both of them back to Miss Robichaux’s where she locks Frankenboyfriend (who has a weird thing about touching ladies’ hair, btw) in chains and gets Frankenwitch to bring Madison’s rotten old corpse back from dead. I’m feeling pretty :-[ about the return of Emma Roberts, but at least this was fun:
Meanwhile, Cordelia has returned from the hospital after being blinded by acid. She looks pretty good considering what happened to her. Too good, some conspiracy theorists (me) might say: