Cat Finally Puts Law Degree to Good Use

Cats are evil; I will hear no argument otherwise. But I will concede that they are very smart and independent creatures, which explains why a tiny white kitten in Texas’s 349th district was able to achieve his nine lives’ long dream of becoming a lawyer on Tuesday and arguing a case in Zoom court. (Although, considering how much trouble the cat had getting his Zoom to work properly, I really do have to wonder if cats are technologically challenged evil geniuses.)

In a clip of the cat’s debut in court, the judge mentions that Mr. Rod Ponton, a cat, has a filter on, probably a beauty filter to even out his little cat wrinkles. Mr. Ponton lets the judge know that his assistant is working on getting the filter turned off. Dude, we’ve been in quarantine for almost a year and you don’t know how to turn your beauty filter off? Get it together!

Ponton, feeling the pressure of fixing his Zoom and facing the last hurdle of discrimination against cats in the legal system, then tried to pull a fast one on his colleagues, saying, “I am here, live. I’m not a cat.” The judge responds, “I can see that,” even though he literally cannot possibly see that because Mr. Ponton is obviously a cat and we can all see it. Flexing his legal muscle at such a young age, Ponton has already taught everyone a very important lesson. The legal system isn’t about what you can see, it’s about what you can prove. The judge totally bought his whole “I’m not a cat” story and Mr. Ponton, who is a sad cat, was ready to proceed with or without his filter.

This cat becoming a lawyer has really changed my outlook on training my own pet. I thought it was such an achievement when my dog graduated puppy school two weeks early, but now, looking at the success of Rod (Cat) Ponton, I see that my dog is a slacker who refuses to realize his own potential. He could be a brain surgeon someday if he applied himself, but he’s just sitting there licking his asshole and trying to dig a treat out from underneath the cushion of his bed.