Comment Of The Day: GASP Is Really Trying To Fail At Business

After Keara O’Neil was yelled at by a salesperson at the Australian retailer GASP, she complained to the company. The response raised the bar for douchey customer service. Ari Schwartz: Dark Lord of the Snark says:

Oh Dear Lord, this is just begging for douche to English translation.

“Dear Keara O’Neil,

Having now had the privilege of listening to my asshole employee and skimming your email briefly, I am in a position to fart in your general direction.

From the very outset, one thing that you should be mindful of is; Our product offerings are selected by highly trained orangutans, so to ensure that we appeal only to other ape-kind. This is something which is always at the forefront of our minds when we think about how to not run a business.

The reason for this is to ensure that we only carry products which appeal to hipsters. This by default means that the customer who [ed. fuck you] is acclimatised to buying from “normal people” type retailers, sees how stupid our range is, most of the time we have found that this type of customer, realizes that we are selling overpriced clown costumes, and on occasion noted comments such as ‘it looks like a dead flamingo’. And then we cry, because we don’t get why the dead flamingo isn’t selling. Why won’t anyone buy our dead flamingo?

Our range is worn by D list celebrities to the likes of Kim Kardashian, Selena Gomez and Katy Perry to name only a few. Now, as one might appreciate, the style counsel for these types of celebrities are not ones to pick “normal people” type clothing, and they do so on the basis to ensure that people don’t forget that their clients exist, and only worn by lower tier celebrities who can’t be remembered for talent. Similarly these items are priced such that only the stupidest people with money will buy them.

Insofar as our employee goes; Similar to our product offerings, our employees are selected to be equally douchetastic. Chris who [ed. fuck you] served you was given a printed certificate from my PC that says he’s a stylist who [ed. fuck you, seriously] has a sixth sense for dead fashions, and Chris’s only problem is that he is too good at what he does (if you see too many dead fashions you start going crazy and then a Bruce Willis ghost has to come counsel you), and as I am sure you are aware, people who [ed. stop, please] are batshit crazy, generally don’t know how to treat customers, and you left the store to avoid contracting the crazy.

Whilst I concede that you work for chain retailer, unfortunately that does not mean I understand how to succeed in business. NOW I WILL TRY TO INSULT YOU WITH A HUGE RUN-ON SENTENCE BUT IT WILL NOT MAKE ANY SENSE AND STILL NOBODY HAS BOUGHT THE DEAD FLAMINGO.

Let me guess, you would never, ever hire Chris in the course of your duty, would you? This is the very reason, why your business is large and successful and we are not, and it’s almost as though we don’t have a profit motive. Chris is a douchebag superstar, who possesses unparalleled douche powers, but when you anger the Chris by trying to choose clothes that you like, it becomes upset because the Bruce Willis ghost’s therapy bills are quite expensive.

So if you would like to do us any favours, please do not use any of our retail staff’s time, because as you have already seen, we have no interest in making a profit. I am sure there are plenty of shops that aren’t run by walking epitomes of everything that is wrong with “fashion”, so I bitchily ask that you side step our store during future shopping trips.

Thanks for nothing, biatch.”

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