On the third day of December Madness, my true love gave to me: eight songs-a-sucking. After two days of bravely listening to terrible Christmas songs, we’re one day closer to crowning the Worst Christmas Song Ever. Let’s get on to the next set of Holiday Horrors, and onto the next round of voting.
Click above to enlarge, or go here for a printable version of the original bracket.
Holy shit, you guys, yesterday’s contest was a doozy. And boy, what an upset! Heavily favored “Ode to a Midwinter’s Date Rape” was defeated handily by “Frosty The Snowman.” “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” Little Drummer Boy,” and “Feliz Navidad” also survived to suck another day.
But we’re not done. Voting on this next set of songs begins now and ends at noon tomorrow. And now, on to Round 1, Bracket 3. Who’s up for the suck title today?
“The Christmas Shoes”
There’s a reason that this merrily decorated shit sandwich is uncontested in this round: because it is violently, tear inducingly awful. Not only is the song emotionally manipulative— someone’s mom is dying!— it’s also oddly self assured that the mom is heavenbound— she’s going to Jesus!— and rife with stupidity— why is this kid so hell bent on buying someone shoes that they’ll never walk upon? I liked this song way more when it was called “Oh My God, Shoes,” and featured a comedian in drag freaking out about a pair of three hundred fucking dollar platforms. Listen if you dare, and then do some mushrooms and watch the entire goddamn movie made about the song. Rob Lowe’s in it. Seriously.
“Carol of the Bells” vs. “Silent Night”
One sounds like the soundtrack that played in the mind of Jack the Ripper during murders, the other is just waiting to be reappropriated by an actress playing an unhinged killer, a la Britney Murphy’s character in oft forgotten 2001 vehicle Don’t Say A Word. A friend pointed out that “Silent Night” is the song that may set the world record for the song wherein it takes the longest to sing the word “virgin.” Or, “vir-hir-gin.”
“Let it Snow” vs. “Winter Wonderland”
“Let it Snow” is particularly irksome to Anna North, who aptly notes that it’s going to fucking snow regardless of whether anyone is letting or not letting it. I’d like to add that snow is mostly awful to many a midwesterner who spends months every year ruining shoes and getting melty cold stuff. “Let it Snow” might as well be called “Let’s Be Miserable” or “Come On, Winter!” Fuck that. Winter is also the subject of the lower seeded selection in this contest, “Winter Wonderland”. Whoever wrote this song has obviously never experienced a real winter. There’s nothing “wonderful” about winds that seem to blow in all directions, slipping and falling on the sidewalk, ruining pair after pair of shoes with salt stains.
“Do They Know It’s Christmas?” vs. “Happy Xmas (War is Over)”
Let’s say that you’re a small Indonesian child who doesn’t have any clean drinking water. Now let’s say that someone tells you that there’s a song that a bunch of Western pop stars made where they sincerely express concern that you are unaware of one of the major Christian holidays. Seriously, pop stars. Are you being serious with me right now? Do I know it’s Christmas? Do I fucking care that it’s Christmas? I’d like one sandwich and a clean glass of water and a big order of shut the fuck up for you. This is one of the most misguided musical songs ever written, right up there with that Clay Aiken song about watching people in their room without them knowing about it. The second nominee in this pairing is brought to you by the insufferable duo of John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Not only is it not even supposed to be a Christmas song (it was supposed to be a Vietnam War protest ditty), the tune is nails-on-a-chalkboard irritating.
Now, without further ado, let’s get the holiday party started. Vote early, vote often, and tell your friends.