Dicks, Tits and Clits: What Would Equal-Opportunity On-Screen Nudity Look Like?
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If you’ve seen a movie, you’ve seen tits. You’ve seen asses like crazy, too, and, obviously, loads and loads of torsos. But overwhelmingly, you’ve seen tits. You’ve seen them so much you probably hardly even think about them anymore, and who needs to? They’ve been exhaustively documented and considered.
But you’ve probably also noticed that, increasingly, there are more dicks than ever out there in movie land these days, PG or otherwise. And perhaps you’ve rushed out, girlfriends in tow, for a stiff drink to celebrate that we’re finally, at long last, moving toward some utopian equal-opportunity exploitation of all types of naughty bits on screen. But not so fast. Tits and dicks do not a democracy of nakedness make. What about more vag? How do we feel about assholes? See, this thing is way more complicated than we realized.
First off, we all know there’s more female nudity than male nudity in movies. I’d dig up a link to try to bear that out but seriously, why bother, when the point is as obvious as another pair of tits in an Entourage episode. You don’t need a PhD in film theory to notice that men are behind more cameras, men are making the most movies, and that whenever you see a movie with a sex scene where the majority of that sex scene is from the vantage point of a dude, which is usually, that it’s a safe bet that dude likes fucking women. (If you don’t know that, go here to start but also, please, spend time here to blow that all apart while still honoring its central premise.)
When movies purport to be for everyone, they betray that when the second it’s time to get sexy, suddenly we are all supposed to turn into heterosexual men for the sake of how the camera takes us through the doin’ it. That’s not to say no one does female nudity or sex scenes well, or that women can’t enjoy films from male perspectives with female nudity, or that women aren’t making their own films with their own points of view on this stuff. They do! We have! We do! We like! They are! It’s all useful. We should all have such intimate knowledge of other sexual orientations’ preferences and desires.
There’s also no point wishing it would stop when yet another pair of gratuitous tits are trotted out in the service of a cheap thrill, because the best we can hope for in this world of two turntables (tits) and a microphone (dick) is that every willing adult is exploited equally in this game of take-it-off. So then, what would that look like? Here are a few suggestions. To be sure, I have not seen every film ever made and many films that exist today surely contain some of the below. Feel free to mention in the comments. I’m merely advocating for more of the following:
More dicks, more dicks, more dicks. First off, a coupla dicks is not equality. The dicks need to show up a lot. No, I’m not saying a dick for a tit is fair, for one, because there are two tits to every dick, so, you guys have a LOT of catching up to do, k? Obviously, I know hard dick is an issue, but more boners would be nice, seeing as how they are, in fact, so common. Democracy now!
If you don’t like seeing dicks, let’s talk about that, OK? I have a theory that the whole “Eww, dicks aren’t pleasing to look at thing” is a weird socialized lesbian problem that we have, where we have been watching the female body objectified for so long that everyone has internalized a heterosexual criteria for viewing and appraising female bodies. I realize this will never stop, but find it insane to suggest that the vagina has some kind of beauty that a penis can’t compete with. It’s obviously different, but the dick needs a better PR campaign. Dicks are hot, ya’ll.
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