Enormous 14-Pound Baby Threatened to Terrorize Utah Woman's Vagina


A Utah woman has given birth to a 14 pound, 22-inch-long baby boy. Calm your wincing ladyparts, though — he was delivered via Caesarean Section. Still. Jesus Olympian Stretch Mark Christ.

Baby Joel Jr. is the third of Sara Brandon’s three children. He was born back in May, but now that 2013 is limping to a close, he’s back in the news as frontrunner for America’s biggest baby of the calendar year. His closest competition is a 13 lb 12 oz Pennsylvania baby girl, according to the Huffington Post.

In case you’re not terrified enough of a 14-pound person being surgically extracted from your body, here’s an extra scary tidbit about the birth of wee giant JJ, from his mother,

“Since they knew he was going to be a big baby, I had two doctors delivering him instead of just one,” she explained to the HuffPost. “They said that they had to use some maneuvering for shoulder dystocia that they normally only use in vaginal births — in other words, he was so big and crammed in there that they had a hard time getting him out.”

CRAMMED. IN. THERE. Oh my god human reproduction sounds awful. Why does anybody do it?

JJ the enormosaur baby has identical twin 2-year-old sisters who weighed only 4 lbs apiece when they were born. Huge infant? Little girls with matching faces wearing matching dresses? I hope the matriarch and patriarch of the Brandon family are doing everything they can to exploit their children’s creepiness this Halloween.


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