EPA Employees Use Taxpayer Dollars To Construct Super Cool 'Man Cave'

By Callie Beusman | June 7, 2013 | 10:45pm

Latest

Environmental Protection Agency warehouse workers — who are employed by a private contractor, Apex — have recently come under fire for using taxpayer money in order to secretly construct a huge “man cave” in the agency’s Washington, D.C. headquarters. According to the New York Daily News, the “man cave” contained the following:

Exercise equipment that could rival a gym’s, big-screen televisions, couches, microwaves, refrigerators, pin-up photos, magazines and books… The makeshift fitness studio was perhaps the most extravagant part of the 70,000-square-foot facility, with floor tiles from storage to carpet the area and notebooks from storage to log their workouts.

Oh, I’m sorry, but isn’t the EPA’s job to protect environments? Okay, liberal media, it’s obvious that the organization is rightfully allocating its budget. In fact, the EPA is protecting the habitat of that tragically endangered creature native to the North American continent: the heterosexual dude-bro (referred to in academic circles by its scientific name, Nohomo sapiens).

Most Popular

Some would argue that the heterosexual dude-bro is merely a stereotyped spectre conjured up by advertisers and Fox News pundits. Others, though, will say that it’s a tender creature that is put in complete and total peril when exposed to the color pink, workplace equality, a vibrator, etc. They will also tell you that its main diet consists of steak, Carl, Jr.’s, and specially-targeted Dr. Pepper products and its traditional mating ritual involves putting on an Usher song and rubbing its abs. We are duty-bound as a nation to protect it, and the first step we must take is maintaining its natural environment with our hard-earned wages.

According to the report, the “man cave” was hidden away in the depths of the warehouse, concealed from security cameras by “screens, partitions, and piled up boxes” (Nohomo sapiens are known for their box-lifting prowess). The inventory had been neglected for years — to the point that it’s now “unusable” — and conditions in the rest of the warehouse were described as “deplorable”:

Door jambs were corroded; dirt, dust and vermin feces were pervasive; and several items were rotting and potentially hazardous. We observed refrigerators with mold, and old computer bags molding and rotting.

Whatever, official report! What are you, my mom?

The Apex employees have since been removed from the warehouse and probably forced to take yoga or something. And so the “War on Men” rages on.

“Major EPA warehouse a huge ‘man cave’ at taxpayers’ expense: report” [New York Daily News]
Images via US EPA.