Every Word Jezebel Used to Describe Donald Trump in 2015

By Anna Merlan  |  December 17, 2015 | 5:30pm
Politics

Writing about Donald Trump is a thankless task, made only faintly bearable by coming up with new ways to describe him. Below, an exhaustive list of every phrase this website came up with to talk about Trump in 2015.

As you can see, these descriptors got both funnier and depressingly numerous as the year went on. You’ll also notice a very distinct drop between February and May, and there’s a reason for that: Trump announced his candidacy in June, and for the preceding few months, he wisely didn’t make a ton of news. For a time there, after he did announce, it was funny enough all by itself to just write “presidential candidate Donald Trump.” Those times are over, and here we stand: bruised, exhausted, and with hundreds of new adjectives. Enjoy!

January

• A really relaxed guy

February-May

June

• An ambitious corn dog that escaped from the concession stand at a rural Alabama fairground, stole an unattended wig, hopped a freight train to Atlantic City and never looked back

• Orange asshat

• Four-time bankruptcy filer and seething hernia mass

July

• Bone-in ham

• Sun-dried tomato

• A shithead

• Adult blobfish

• Deflated football

• Fart-infused lump of raw meat

August

• Melting pig carcass

• Disgraced racist

• Talking comb-over

• Human equivalent of cargo pants that zip away into shorts

• Cheeto-dusted bloviator

• Fuzzy meat wad

September

• Bag of flour

• Human turd

• Not in any way sexist, you bimbos

• A man who cherishes women

• Future leader of the free world

• Decomposing ear of corn

• His own best parody

• A rich idiot … willing to allow garbage to fall out of his mouth without batting a single golden lash

• Pond scum

October

• Noted troll

• The class clown that everyone wishes would be quiet and let the class learn

• Melting businessman

• The person still inexplicably leading the Republican presidential primary

• Wax museum figure on a very hot day

• Soggy burlap sack

• Bag of toxic sludge

• Your next president and ruler for life

• A brightly burning trash fire

• Impoverished urchin

• Aggressively stupid

November

• Great judgment-haver

• Man-sized sebaceous cyst

• Enlarged pee-splattered Sno Cone

• Empty popcorn bag rotting in the sun

• Man-shaped asbestos insulation board

• Hair plug swollen with rancid egg whites

• Inside-out lower intestine

• Dusty barrel of fermented peepee

• Usually reasonable burlap sack full of rancid Peeps

• Degloved zoo penis

• Presidential candidate and bargain bin full of yellowing Jean-Claude Van Damme movies

• Hairpiece come to life

• Normal-looking human man and entirely credible choice as future leader of the free world

• Decomposing pumpkin pie inhabited by vicious albino squirrels

• A dishrag that on closer inspection is alive with maggots

• Lead paint factory explosion

• Candied yam riddled with moldy spider carcasses

December

• Enraged Gak spill

• The shriveled pinto bean you had to pluck out of your Chipotle burrito basket

• Human-sized infectious microbe

• Poorly-trained circus orangutan

• Chester Cheetah impersonator

• Lumbering human-like tardigrade

• A tiny piece of dried cat poop that you found in your rug

I’m honestly not sure if we should be proud of ourselves here or terribly, terribly depressed.

Image via AP, illustration by Bobby Finger

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