Every Word Jezebel Used to Describe Donald Trump in 2015


Writing about Donald Trump is a thankless task, made only faintly bearable by coming up with new ways to describe him. Below, an exhaustive list of every phrase this website came up with to talk about Trump in 2015.

As you can see, these descriptors got both funnier and depressingly numerous as the year went on. You’ll also notice a very distinct drop between February and May, and there’s a reason for that: Trump announced his candidacy in June, and for the preceding few months, he wisely didn’t make a ton of news. For a time there, after he did announce, it was funny enough all by itself to just write “presidential candidate Donald Trump.” Those times are over, and here we stand: bruised, exhausted, and with hundreds of new adjectives. Enjoy!


A really relaxed guy



An ambitious corn dog that escaped from the concession stand at a rural Alabama fairground, stole an unattended wig, hopped a freight train to Atlantic City and never looked back

Orange asshat

Four-time bankruptcy filer and seething hernia mass


Bone-in ham

Sun-dried tomato

A shithead

Adult blobfish

Deflated football

Fart-infused lump of raw meat


Melting pig carcass

Disgraced racist

Talking comb-over

Human equivalent of cargo pants that zip away into shorts

Cheeto-dusted bloviator

Fuzzy meat wad


Bag of flour

Human turd

Not in any way sexist, you bimbos

A man who cherishes women

Future leader of the free world

Decomposing ear of corn

His own best parody

A rich idiot … willing to allow garbage to fall out of his mouth without batting a single golden lash

Pond scum


Noted troll

The class clown that everyone wishes would be quiet and let the class learn

Melting businessman

The person still inexplicably leading the Republican presidential primary

Wax museum figure on a very hot day

Soggy burlap sack

Bag of toxic sludge

Your next president and ruler for life

A brightly burning trash fire

Impoverished urchin

Aggressively stupid


Great judgment-haver

Man-sized sebaceous cyst

Enlarged pee-splattered Sno Cone

Empty popcorn bag rotting in the sun

Man-shaped asbestos insulation board

Hair plug swollen with rancid egg whites

Inside-out lower intestine

Dusty barrel of fermented peepee

Usually reasonable burlap sack full of rancid Peeps

Degloved zoo penis

Presidential candidate and bargain bin full of yellowing Jean-Claude Van Damme movies

Hairpiece come to life

Normal-looking human man and entirely credible choice as future leader of the free world

Decomposing pumpkin pie inhabited by vicious albino squirrels

A dishrag that on closer inspection is alive with maggots

Lead paint factory explosion

Candied yam riddled with moldy spider carcasses


Enraged Gak spill

The shriveled pinto bean you had to pluck out of your Chipotle burrito basket

Human-sized infectious microbe

Poorly-trained circus orangutan

Chester Cheetah impersonator

Lumbering human-like tardigrade

A tiny piece of dried cat poop that you found in your rug

I’m honestly not sure if we should be proud of ourselves here or terribly, terribly depressed.

Image via AP, illustration by Bobby Finger

Contact the author at [email protected].
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