Fox News Discovers 'Spring Break,' Is Very Concerned Indeed

By Erin Gloria Ryan | April 2, 2014 | 6:30pm

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Because Fox News’ average viewer was already middle aged by the time MTV debuted, the network is sending one of its most intrepid concerned blonde moms into the bowels of youthful hedonism to teach The Olds about this new thing called “Spring Break.” And it’s hilarious.

Spring Break: Or Why You Should Be Very Worried About The Eternal Soul Of Your Slutty Grandchildren [official I’m-not-even-shitting-you-right-now Fox News headline: “Hannity Uncovers Wild Behavior On Spring Break in Florida“] is airing on Hannity this week, for some reason. Tsking stock photo model Ainsley Earhardt spent a harrowing week in Panama City Beach around drunk idiots, shooting enough b-roll footage of shotgunning to power Fox New’s college news beat for at least a decade. Here are some of the best quotes from her groundbreaking exposé:

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Drunk student #1: We’re seein’ boobs, ass, twerkin, liquor, weed, everything!

Drunk student #2: We saw someone snortin’ cocaine of a girl’s [bleep, but I hope it’s butthole].

Drunk student #3: We wake up at like 10. We wake up early.

Earhardt: What time do you guys start drinking in the morning?
Drunk student #4: Uh, 6 am.
Earhardt: And what time do you stop?
Drunk student #4: Whenever you come home with me!

Drunk student #6: I have vodka and Red Bull and I’m getting crunk than a mug!

Spring break foreeeeeeever.

But the drunk idiots who may or may not be college students weren’t the only people in this Fox News report saying stupid things. No. Not when Sean Hannity was winding up to pantomime to his viewers how shotgunning works.

Hannity: Go to the funnel, for example. It used to be we were younger, you do a shotgun, [pantomime’s preparing a beer to shotgun] you put a hole in the bottom of the beer can, put it up here, you open..
Earhardt: We saw a few of those.
H: How many beers are they putting in each funnel?
E: Well, each time they funnel, it’s one beer. And they’re funneling over and over and over again.
H: And literally, it basically just shoots it into their stomach.
E: Absolutely. They have to lean back, it opens up their throat, and the beer just goes down.
H: It literally falls down.
E: Exactly. They don’t taste it. It’s not enjoyable. They’re just doing that to get drunk quickly.

Fascinating, fresh stuff.

And finally, the BUT AMERICA! peg that makes it timely.

One time I went to Cancun in college, and I was appalled at what I saw. This is now here in AMERICA. Kids are doing this down in Florida!

The only problem with this claim is that Ainsley Earhardt was born in 1976, which means that when she was in college in the mid-1990’s MTV’s Spring Break showcase of debauchery was well underway. In fact, the youthy network’s annual hedonism showcase began filming in 1986 in none other than Daytona Beach, Florida. Which is in America.

Hannity and Earhardt’s manufactured shock over spring break being a thing eclipses important points a thoughtful report on the harmful effects of substance abuse culture among college students could raise, if this report came from anyone but Fox News. But it doesn’t seem to serve any purpose other than to convince Hannity’s geriatric viewers that they should think twice before giving their Greatest Generation inheritance to their pot snorthing, beachfucking grandchildren. Spend it on other stuff! Donate it to the Heritage Foundation! Or… buy these products! (2 ads for colostomy bag suppliers, 3 ads for home security systems, ad for digging a hole in your backyard and throwing all of your gold in it, ad for Precious Moments 9/11 collectible figurines). If The Children are the future and The Children effing suck, then I guess it doesn’t matter if we light the earth on fire before we depart. Right? SPRING BREAK!