Gee, State Department Employees Sure Love Hookers a Lot


THIS JUST IN: SEX HAS BEEN HAD. Not just any old sex, though — according to an internal State Department memo obtained by the press (and already punned nearly to death by the New York Post), the entire State Department is rife with dudes who love paying for sex when they’re not on American soil, from the ambassador to Belgium to then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s personal Secret Service detail. It’s a miracle anyone even had time to Diplomat or Secretly Serve, what with all the hookerfucking allegedly going on.

The memo, which was originally obtained by CBS, details what sounds like a whole big government department consisting of dickwagging frat bros messing around on their wives with professionals whenever they’re in a place where their American cell phones don’t work. Among the biggest offenders in the latest scandal include top Obama donor and Belgian ambassador Howard Gutman, who the memo implies would frequently wander through Brussels public parks in search of occasionally-underage prostitutes, and Clinton’s secret service agents, who allegedly hired a whole team of sex workers to service them while on official trips with the Secretary of State. Possible sexual assaults of security guards in Beirut, glossed over. Details of government officials’ security and whereabouts possibly compromised. The memo also implies that investigations into this and other NSFW behavior were halted by higher-ups in the State Department but that Sec. Clinton wasn’t aware of what was happening.

Foreign service whoremongering happens so frequently and predictably that journalists could save themselves some legwork and carpal tunnel by generating stories on the topic using a Mad Lib style template. (Name) has (intensifying adverb) denied allegations that he hired prostitutes while serving as (government appointment of medium-to-high prestige) in (country). And then next to that is a photo of a suit-wearing man Tina Fey might call “grey faced” marching sternly alongside a wife with an ash-blonde grown out pageboy. They could be stock photo models, this stern lady and the guy who allegedly likes hookers she made the mistake of marrying in 1981.

And it’s all just a little bit of history repeating. Again. In 2012, America clutched its pearls when it was revealed that more than a dozen Secret Service agents awaiting a Presidential visit to Colombia had partied — SEX PARTIED— with prostitutes. In the course of the investigation into that particular incident, embarrassed agents admitted that womanizing, or, uh, hookerizing was par for the course in the Secret Service. Men who work for the US government, turns out, have a long history of not keeping it in their pants and were at no point capable of collectively resisting the charms of ladies of the night — President Warren G. Harding even frequented a party house where he and his government friends would go to run around with lampshades on their heads and honk the boobs of women of ill repute. And how many of the Founding Fathers had STD’s?

What’s disturbing about the latest sEx ScAnDaL isn’t that it happened, though; it’s the notion that the State Department’s apparent culture of boyish prostitute patronizing hedonism isn’t being changed from the top down. Before John Kerry took over the role of Secretary of State from Clinton back in January, various women had led the State Department for 12 of the previous 16 years, and even in light of that, the Secret Service agents busted for paying for sex in 2012 and 2013 were participating in a series of behaviors that this newly released memo leads us to believe continue to be “endemic” — widely accepted (or, at least widely ignored).

There’s nothing wrong with two consenting adults engaging in sex (even commodified sex), and it’s none of my business if a Secret Service agent wants to cheat on his wife in his free time. But when State Department officials let their dicks get in the way of national security, it’s a problem. When an insatiable yen for sex workers embarrasses the US internationally, it’s a problem. If putting a woman in charge won’t budge things for the better, then what needs to happen to change the culture of the State Department?


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