Before actually reading anything about author Ottessa Moshfegh’s critically acclaimed My Year of Rest and Relaxation in 2018, I thought it was about, well, relaxing. Then I inhaled the book and learned it’s actually about a fictional person with mental health issues, an unfortunate realization to have just prior to the covid-19 global health pandemic. I am, like, 89 percent sure I’ve spent the majority of this year in bed, just like the novel’s protagonist, only unmedicated and emotionally sound… enough. I have welcomed isolation by becoming the most sluggish version of myself, something I’ve seen (virtually, of course) in others. And we sloths deserve holidays gifts, too! Lazy people self-care! Enable my coziness, loved ones! With that in mind, here’s a light-hearted gift guide for the people in your life who have given up.
A candle
Have you smelled a candle lately? That shit is heavenly, and only requires minimal effort. Everyone has a lighter in their house, and now they’ll have something to use it on that will mask the stench of their unwashed meat suit. (That’s your body, but you already knew that.) Also, candle stores always have discounts around the holidays, so now is the time to toss that Febreze and light up a three-wick, like a professional would.
Aromatherapy shower bombs?
I personally recommend Vicks VapoShower Aromatherapy Shower Bomb, Soothing Vicks Vapor Steam. They look like miniature urinal cakes, but scented miniature urinal cakes that will clear your sinuses and inspire deep breathing. I tried one for the first time before my road test and got my license a few hours later. I’m not saying the urinal cakes are the reason, but I’m not not saying that.
Delivery food gift card
How else are you expected to eat? And this way, there’s no skipping meals, and you don’t have to cook or shop. Just wear your mask when you get your delivery food, and tip well.
An old sweater you found in the back of your closet, passed off as “vintage”
I wouldn’t know the difference! Will your friend? No, they’ve given up on life, remember? Toss them some cable knit, it won’t cost you, and they’ll be grateful to have a new garment to spill marinara sauce on.
A fancy lunchbox
The only thing that can motivate a person who has given up to get up is to inspire them with beautiful frivolity, up to and including an expensive, chic lunchbox. Oh, a friend wants to do a socially distant hang in the park on Sunday? Don’t mind if I do. This bag can hold at least one wine cooler and a half-dozen mini-bags of hot Cheetos… what more could you ask for?
A big ass weighted blanket
If it is good enough to get Oprah to bed, it is good enough for your lazy friend who probably has insomnia despite spending most of the day on the couch. (I am that friend.)
Reusable ice cubes
You know when you’re drinking something lukewarm and you go to the freezer to grab some ice cubes but there aren’t any ice cubes because you forgot to fill the tray and now you’re forced to fill the tray with lukewarm water and wait for it to freeze before you can have a delicious, chilled beverage? Reusable ice cubes are the answer. Sure, you’ll have to wash them eventually, but I won’t tell if you don’t.
A silk face mask
Pajamas, but for your face… and it’s responsible. Accessorize like a god!
Happy holidays!