Herman Cain: Why?


Herman Cain, a pizza-making businessman who has never held any political office, is running for President. He peppers his speech with inscrutable metaphors and has terrible ideas, and yet, he’s still among the GOP frontrunners. This guy can’t be serious. Can he? We try to get to the bottom of what’s really behind Cain’s rapid ascent on the Good Ship WTF.

  • Possible explanation: He has appeared to address current dearth of truly stupid things said with confidence Since George W. Bush left office, no one has really replaced him on the international stage to say really dumb things. Enter Herman Cain, paid GOP stupid shit-saying consultant.
  • His 9-9-9 tax plan is extremely regressive, and when challenged on it, he encourages average Americans to do the math themselves. He then said that there is a secret way that the 9-9-9 plan will actually help poor people, but he’s keeping it a secret from everyone for now. During the GOP debate earlier this week, he declared, “We have replaced the current tax code with oranges.” Last night, he reaffirmed to Piers Morgan his belief that homosexuality is a choice and that being black is not, because being black “does not wash off” (does he mean to imply that if only homosexuals would shower, they’d wash the gay right off? Judging by the gays’ love of showers, this is not the case.) Last week, he declared that he was going to build a 20 foot high electrified fence with barbed wire along the top that will kill Mexicans attempting to cross the US border, and then, when pressed, said that he was obviously joking and that America needs to get a sense of humor. And then he declared that he was not really joking. But also that he was. In a New York Times article about how Cain can’t stop clowning around, we learn that he has referred to himself as “Haagen Dazs black walnut” flavored and expressed a desire for his Secret Service code name to be “Cornbread.” Earlier this year, he said that he won’t allow any bills longer than 3 pages to go through Congress, and then called Jon Stewart a racist when he quoted him and said that it was a stupid idea.
  • He also has used a quote from a Pokemon movie a few times during his campaign. Because that shit’s inspiring.
  • Possible explanation: His name lends itself well to hilarious popular music puns.

    Here I am. Rock you like a Herman Cain.
    You Cain Touch This.
    I am Herman and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does.
    Nice work if you Cain get it.
    Nine three times! On the ceiling if you want me!

  • Possible explanation: He is Dave Chappelle’s most devastating comedic creation.
    When Dave Chappelle walked away from his Comedy Central show in 2005, he didn’t do it for the reasons he said he did; he did it because he had to get major plastic surgery, gain a bunch of weight, totally change his speech patterns, and fool some Republican strategists into thinking that he was not actually Dave Chappelle. This is like when Joaquin Phoenix fooled a grand total of six people when he pretended that he’d lost his mind and started acting foolish on late night talk shows or Andy Kaufman’s professional wrestling career, except with a much higher level of deception. After this is over, America is going to feel pretty bad about itself.
  • Possible explanation: Actual proof that Republicans have that black friend they keep talking about.
    Scott Baio posted pictures to his Twitter account proving his friendliness to black people after making a disparaging comment about First Lady Michelle Obama. Fox News shat their pants over a black man who told an NBC reporter that he didn’t feel threatened at a Tea Party rally and then went about its daily business of strongly implying that blacks and Mexicans would like nothing more than to take all of your white people money and have sex with your white people daughters. Everyone knows that, in this day and age, you can’t get away with promoting policies that harm large numbers of people in already-marginalized groups unless you have one actual verifiable friend who belongs to that marginalized group. Having a black friend is like having a drivers’ license for racism just as having a gay friend is an excuse to tell gay people that they shouldn’t be allowed to get married.
  • Possible explanation: America thinking of franchising itself out, opening combination America/Taco Bell locations throughout Asia. Honestly, who else are we supposed to trust with opening America EXPRESS, a tiny republic that serves democracy to busy commuters in 30 minutes or less? No one wants Rick Perry handling their food.
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