Honestly Owning Lizzie Borden's Murder House Sounds Like a Fucking Chore

By Emily Alford | January 13, 2021 | 7:00pm

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Honestly Owning Lizzie Borden's Murder House Sounds Like a Fucking Chore

Look, who among us hasn’t dreamed of quitting whatever boring thing we’re doing right now, dropping two mil on a fancy house where a couple of people were hacked to death with an ax, and turning it into a charming little B&B. But in reality, that would amount to not just owning the house where someone probably murdered her wealthy parents, but also having to make flapjacks for strangers while explaining, day in, day out, that the nursery rhyme is wrong, the stepmother only got 17 whacks and the dad got like 11, tops, seems like a recipe for burnout, not even counting the fact that the whole place is probably riddled with gross-looking ghosts constantly wailing for attention.

This is probably why the people who own the Lizzie Borden Bed & Breakfast Museum in Fall River, Massachusetts are retiring after 15 years as soon as they can find someone to cough up two million dollars to take over:

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“This is an unbelievable opportunity to own and operate one of New England’s top tourist attractions,” the listing reads. “Picture yourself serving fun hatchet cookies, tiny johnny cakes and a scrumptious breakfast to overnight guests who have just enjoyed an experience of a lifetime!”

First of all, any real estate listing that says something is an “unbelievable opportunity” is actually saying that this is a murder house and there are ghosts in it—that was the entire inciting incident of Amityville Horror. Second of all, the idea of toiling away over fussy little baked goods to politely serve people who aren’t even family in one’s own home for the remainder of one’s natural life is exactly the situation that made Lizzie Borden allegedly so demonstrably agitated in the first place.

No thank you. I know I am supposed to be head cheerleader for all things creepy around here, but I do not like my creepy shit to come with chores. However, if you do buy the house I will happily come and eat flapjacks while you tell me about Andrew Borden’s bifurcated eyeball because preserving the rich tapestry of storied New England murders while also making sure our famous ghosts don’t get lonely is obviously all of our duty as Americans, so let no one say that I am taking that responsibility lightly.