Horny Week Asks the Timeless (Metaphorical!) Question: Fuck, Marry, Kill?

If you, like me, are spending Valentine’s Day consciously uncoupled, please join me in one of my favorite possible ways to pass the time: the beloved, hypothetical, and extremely metaphorical game of Fuck-Marry-Kill, in which we preside over the imagined fates of a bunch of comically hot celebrities, artists, politicians, athletes, and everything in between. To be clear: Assigning these categories to people does mean we literally want to marry, have sex with, or kill any of them—we actively discourage violence (though I actually do literally want to have sex with and/or marry some of them).

Anyway, it’s Horny Week, people! Whether you’re ready for some solo friskiness, the Doomsday clock nearly striking midnight has you throwing all caution to the wind, or you’re ready to take a page from SZA’s “Kill Bill,” we have you covered with this list of the most thought-provoking Fuck-Marry-Kill line-ups ever created (by me). Please share your own choices in the comments, as I am morbidly curious about the general public’s reactions to some of these, and would love to hear just how much my taste in hypothetical partners viscerally disgusts you.

To any FBI agents in the midst of their daily perusal of Jezebel dot com, please note once again that we are unequivocally anti-assassination. In order to make that abundantly clear, for politicians, we shall clarify this as a Fuck-Marry-Exile exercise.

Read the rest of Jezebel’s Horny Week 2023 stories here.

My humble opinion is that most presidents have been pretty bad. Between drone strikes and serially cheating, I’m not convinced any of these 45 dudes are seeing heaven. But purely hypothetically, I’m going with: Marry Obama, fuck young Biden, kill JFK (RIP). My reasoning: Barack and Michelle seem quite loving; just look at young Biden—there’s a reason every dude on Tinder was catfishing as him in 2019; and JFK, that’s what you get for cheating on Ms. Jacqueline Kennedy.

I’m not convinced a baby boomer could tell these three men apart, but pose this question to people between the ages of 18 and 35 who are attracted to men and you will be hearing some takes. I grew up on High School Musical, binged Centineo’s entire Netflix filmography in college, and I’m no stranger to the Kissing Booth trilogy or Euphoria, either, so I feel intimately acquainted with all three of these gentlemen, and thus, very ready to answer this entirely arbitrary ranking I made. I’m going with: Marry Efron, fuck Elordi, kill Centineo. My reasoning: I grew up on Efron; we go back; it’s very romantic! Elordi is 6’5”. And Centineo, ehh...he’s made some odd hairstyling choices and questionable political endorsements.

I’m fully aware big, buff football players aren’t off referred to as “cuties,” but I mean, look at these men. I know very little about any of them, save that Burrow spoke out in support of Roe v. Wade, Garoppolo isn’t very good at football, and Mahomes, in contrast, seems very good at football. I’m going with: Marry Burrow, fuck Garoppolo, and reluctantly kill Mahomes, even though he seems great. Why? I’m simply in love with Burrow; Garoppolo is referenced in the astute Abbott Elementary quote “that’s the last time I’m drafting based on hotness”; and Mahomes clearly doesn’t need me to pity-fuck or pity-marry him—unlike these last two, he’s an actual Super Bowl winner.

What an embarrassment of riches. Say what you will about Ms. Jenner, but her track record speaks for itself—the woman has pulled or been romantically linked to some of the most beautiful men to walk this earth (looking at you, Michael B. Jordan and Harry Styles), and I’d personally rank Simmons and Booker among them. My kill selection is easily Griffin, but choosing between Simmons and Booker is harder.

Ultimately, I’m going with marry Simmons and fuck Booker. As anyone who has watched Simmons play basketball can tell you, this man needs help, and given all the internet hate, lots of love. Meanwhile, Booker is hot and seems very... competent, but he’s a bit too in love with his car collection to make a good long-term partner. Case closed.

Whew, I’m really opening up a can of worms with this one. Gyllenhaal ruined 21-year-old Swift’s life (or at least her birthday party); Hiddleston was sweet but forgettable; and Alwyn, while younger than her exes, is the likely love of her life.

I’m going with: Marry Hiddleston, fuck Alwyn, kill Gyllenhaal. Why? I’m confident I can fix Mr. Loki; just look at Joe Alwyn, please; and karma is a relaxing thought, Mr. Scarf Thief!

Here’s a fun one: the Senate’s Independent Caucus! Sinema is really the only wild card among these three, seeing as Sanders and King pretty consistently vote with the Democratic Party (though Sanders often enough pushes Senate Democrats from the left). I’d marry Sanders, fuck King, and exile Sinema. My reasoning: Sanders’ relationship with his wife is endearing; I’ve been clear how I feel about men with mustaches; and fuck the filibuster (derogatory).

POV: You’re elected to Congress and learn former Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-N.C.) wasn’t lying about all the orgies. It goes without saying that I find these ladies’ politics abhorrent, but if I had to choose: Marry Collins, fuck McSally, exile Ernst, probably. I don’t have any strong feelings about this. I just figure as my spouse, Collins would probably let me off the hook for a lot of things, like she does with her Republican colleagues constantly and did with former President Donald Trump. McSally isn’t bad-looking. And while none of these ladies are especially morally upstanding citizens, Ernst stood by fellow Iowan former Rep. Steve King (R) through years of his unabashed white nationalist screed. So, there’s that.

All three of these ethereally beautiful 20-something women who play 16-year-olds in the most popular show on HBO could do substantially better than me. But if I woke up in heaven and this were actually presented to me: Marry Zendaya, fuck Schafer, (sigh) kill Sweeney. Why? Zendaya is Zendaya; I want Schafer to step on me; and there is literally no reason to kill Sweeney, I’m just personally obsessed with Zendaya and Schafer!!!

Collectively these three have starred in the Game of Thrones, Star Wars, Marvel, and now, Last of Us cinematic universes, so, damn. There is nothing hotter to me than a big strong man milling about in a made-up world. My awful, surely very unpopular picks would be: Marry Isaac, fuck Stan, kill Pascal. Again, I recognize that you may not share these with me! I never claimed to be a woman of taste. I have no justification, save that Isaac seemed very loving on the red carpet for Scenes From a Marriage Story, and I named my dog after Bucky Barnes. Sorry, Pedro!

Look at these men, each one looking like some permutation of a sickly Victorian child. I love it, I do. Me, I’m going with: Marry Chalamet, fuck Butler, (sorry!!!) kill Holland. I’m obsessed with Chalamet’s whole brooding thing, Butler is regrettably very hot, and in the absence of Holland, Zendaya would be single. Perfect.

Let me just say that these women and their movies changed my life and if you’re not familiar with the Princess Diaries, or How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, or The Proposal, please don’t even talk to me. That said: marry Hathaway, fuck Bullock, kill Hudson. Hathaway radiates wife energy in the best way, Bullock is forever seared into my brain as the hot boss bitch from hell thanks to The Proposal, and I just don’t think Hudson’s filmography is quite as strong as the other ladies’. Glass Onion was great though!!

I grew up a closeted Directioner because I was one of those truly dreadful “not like other girls” types in middle school. But I stand before you today a proud, adult, former Directioner with a tough choice in front of me. I am going with: Marry Harry, fuck Zayn, kill Louis, whom I have nothing against. It just seems pretty obvious to me.

With this matchup, I’d like to credit myself with one of the most even-matched Fuck-Marry-Kill line-ups in this slideshow: three relatively young, equally good-looking male politicians with roughly the same ideology who are varying degrees of rising star in the Democratic Party. I’ve thought a lot about this, and we’re going with: Marry Ossoff, fuck O’Rourke, exile Newsom. Ossoff is married to an OB-GYN, and there’s nothing hotter to me than an aggressively pro-choice man. O’Rourke is 6'3", formerly a member of a band, and his proclivity for cuss words implies no shortage of passion. Meanwhile, Newsom was once married to the current Mrs. Don Jr., Kimberly Guilfoyle, and I’m sorry but I don’t trust that track record.

I already know in asking this question I’m setting up Kevin Jonas. I’m sorry, Kev. The real competition is always between Nick and Joe, and considering they both seem like doting husbands to Priyanka Chopra and Sophie Turner, respectively, it’s very hard to say! But ultimately I’m going to marry Nick and fuck Joe, just because I imagine (based on the Wattpad fanfics I grew up reading) that Nick and I would have more in common, and I find Joe to be very physically attractive. Perfect!

Those past line-ups were a bit too alive, so here’s a group of very dead male authors you were probably told to read in high school English. I am embarrassingly attracted to all three of these men, even though the archetype of the tortured male artist is generally very off-putting to me. We contain multitudes! But I think I’m gonna go with... marry Twain, fuck Hemingway, and kill Fitzgerald. Look: I’m obsessed with mustached men (hello, Twain); Hemingway was famously quite athletic, oft embarking on hunting trips and bro-ing out with Cuba’s Fidel Castro; and Fitzgerald deserves it! He stole all his wife’s stories! Boooo!