How To Disguise The Fact That You Are Exhausted


Whether you were up late watching internet videos of corgis on treadmills or you spent the last hour crying hysterically over your student loan balance, there are times when you’re going to have to be somewhere after a series of decisions or circumstances have led to your face looking like it’s having an allergic reaction to life. But just because you feel like shit doesn’t mean that you have to look like shit. Let’s MacGyver our way into looking non-exhausted, together.

First, if you’re wearing contacts, take them out and clean them. Splash your face with cold tap water. If you can, keep your eyes open while doing this. This will help you de-puffify. You might think that if cold water is good, then shoving your face in a snowbank is solid gold, but avoid coming into contact with snow. Dogs pee in it. Follow your face wash with a big tall drink of water.

A dose of ibuprofen will take the swelling down another notch. If you don’t have ibuprofen, try an antihistamine like Benadryl, although that might make you drowsy. Don’t lie down, though! You need to keep your head elevated over the rest of your body to prevent facepuff. It should almost go without mentioning that handstand contests are out of the question.

The eyes are the window to the soul, and nothing says “I feel sub-excellent right now” like puffy, reddened peepers. You can always use the old cold compress trick to trick people into thinking you feel awesome: place chilled slices of cucumbers over your eyes, or use a cool wash cloth or cool tea bags. Make sure you don’t use black tea, though. It might work to bring the eye swelling down a little, but it also might temporarily stain your skin and if you run into anyone after leaving the house, they might think you look like a panda who just finished watching The Notebook. Put a couple of spoons in the freezer for around 10 minutes, and then put the cool metal surface over your eyes. Whipped up egg whites applied directly to the skin (but not into the actual eyeball itself, silly) can minimize the puffiness, but in order to do that you’d have to beat some eggs. I mean, whatever. It’s your life and your eggs to waste. Top it off with a redness reducing brand of eye drops like Visene or my personal favorite Naphcon A. You can also use drops of the stuff on your nose and lips to reduce redness and swelling.

Of course, you can use your feminine wiles and trickery to engage makeup in some good old fashioned Lady Deception. Light colored eye shadow dabbed at the inner corners of your eyelids to make yourself look more wide awake than you are. Lighter colored foundation under the eyes can also help, but don’t go overboard because too much foundation is worse than not enough foundation; too much face paint and you’ll look like a horrifying skin-colored clown. Apply some mascara if you feel so inclined, then bravely step out into the world like some sort of unstoppable but exhausted victory machine.

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