I Think This Wacky GOOP Cardio Video Broke My Brain

Thinking of adopting a new exercise routine for spring? Well, right on time, GOOP has released a five-minute workout video starring Tracy Anderson, as a teaser for her upcoming dance cardio DVD, Unleash Your Inner Pop Star. And it looks so easy!!! Hahaha, PSYCH.

“Sure,” you might be thinking. “Dancing is fun! I can dance.” And yeah, the video is totally simple. If, that is, you spent your tender years alternating between hip-hop and Irish dance classes. Or clogging? It looks a little like clogging. Actually, it mostly resembles the dance from the “Timber” video:

OMG, aren’t you so eager to exercise with Pitbull yelling “These big-iddy boys are dig-gidy dogs” at you? I literally cannot think of anything worse. Actually, I take that back. The dance party in the “Timber” video looks infinitely more fun than trying to figure out how the fuck to replicate this workout. Pitbull, take me away!

“Besides full sequences, she’s breaking all the dances down step-by-step (if you’ve tried her dance cardio before, you’ll appreciate the schooling),” insists GOOP in the intro. “Stick with me, because not only are you going to BABY STEP your way to a high-calorie workout that is tons of fun, you are also going to nourish the rhythm that is part of each of us,” Anderson informs you in the beginning of the video.

She’s breaking it all down for you!!!! How are you not getting this???? And Tracy will NOT be accepting any excuses. From the accompanying Q&A:

If something is out-of-balance with my health or in my body, I don’t believe in embracing it—I believe in fixing it. This is a tough conversation for all of us to have with ourselves, and a hard middle ground to find: It’s easy to alternate between wanting to accept ourselves as we are, full stop, and then becoming obsessive, or seeing this as an exercise in vanity.

It’s really neither: It’s about making our bodies strong, balanced, and cohesive. It’s paramount for our long-term health.

GET IT TOGETHER, BITCHES.

It is a horrible nightmare. Worst cheerleading camp EVER. It is so befuddling that you don’t even have time to wonder why in the hell Tracy Anderson is working out in some disgusting abandoned warehouse. What, parks aren’t on-brand for GOOP? Does Gwyneth have some problem with a dance studio?

Previously, Gwyneth and Tracy Anderson teamed up on an AOL webseries (“The Restart Project”) and a Swiffer-assisted workout.

Fuck if I know, guys. Fuck if I know.