I just moved in to my own apartment and I don’t have blinds yet. That shit is innocuous in the daytime, vaguely terrifying at night. Last night, it was persistently terrifying, as I spent two hours reading scary stories submissions from readers who have seen more freaky shit in their lifetimes than I have saw in my entire teenage experience going to Spencer’s. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to fall asleep again. I began to scroll through Twitter and, like an angel sent from the heavens to aid my sorry ass into a tranquil slumber, a video of Cardi B appeared before me. Specifically, the video purported to be Cardi B doing ASMR. I clicked on it, and discovered yes, it was Cardi B doing ASMR, and it was 13 minutes long.