Sure, you want to be creative and funny — but the place for that is the body of your email. Do not set up your account so that the sender’s name reads “Mr. Vanilla Gorilla” — or Sir Fucksalot, or Big-Dick Bob, or El Duderino, or whatever dumb thing you always try to get your bros to call you. No woman thinks this is cool — and when RadarOnline releases your emails, you will be embarrassed.
Sure, the occasional “u” can be okay for texting (or sexting, if you’re Tiger Woods). But when you’re sending an e-mail, the implication is that you put a bit of time into it. Time enough to avoid this:
Morning!……you look pretty Hot today……juss fyi.
Or this:
Jesse – “When are you gonna be back?”
Merilee – “Noon…..or if you want I can go later today after you leave for Laughlin. Want me to resched?”
Jesse – “Naaw isss ok just get no love anymore……”
I guess maybe James’s creative spelling could be a way of approximating speech — if you’re a snake.
3. Don’t Be Boring
Check out Percy Fucking Shelley here:
Jesse – “Hi”
Merilee – “Hi daddy-o … how are you?”
Jesse – “Otay”
This would be pretty dull even for a text exchange, but who sends an e-mail that simply reads “Hi”? And who — aside from maybe third-grade teachers and their students — actually types the word “Otay”? An alleged white supremacist and serial cheater, that’s who. Don’t let this be you.
4. Don’t Be Gross
Here’s an especially steamy conversation:
Jesse – “In a meeting?”
Merilee – “No…I’m done.”
Jesse – “Need anything before I split? …..”
Merilee – “Some tums.”
Jesse – “I have some special fluid that you can drink and it makes it all better …..”
Unless you ejaculate calcium carbonate, a blow job is not a good remedy for stomach upset. Although, to be fair, Gerth isn’t helping James out too much here. Couldn’t she have asked for a sexy massage, or a kiss, or even a quickie in the supply closet (or whatever motorcycle shops have)? Pretty much anything is sexier than Tums. Gerth herself also commits Adulterous Email Fail when James writes “I’m cold!” — and she offers him her space heater:
Jesse – “I’m cold!”
Merilee – “Do you want me to bring you a heater? I have one in my office you can use. It isn’t the best heater… but it helps.”
Jesse – “My heat is on……”
Merilee – “I put it outside of your office door. Plug it in and put it under your desk.”
Jesse – “You coulda came in……you can keep it you need it more than I do……..I’m juss being a baby.”
Merilee – “You have a ‘do not disturb’ sign up on your door.”
Either she’s as e-maladroit as he is, or she wasn’t as into their affair — or maybe she just didn’t want to write anything incriminating for fear that her words would one day wind up all over the Internet. Which brings us to the real take-home message of all of this: if you can’t manage discretion, at least have some style. Then when every tabloid in America calls you a cheating neo-Nazi asshole, at least you can take comfort in your spelling skills.
Exclusive: New Jesse James Mistress Revealed — Read Their Email Correspondence [RadarOnline]