Let’s All Pee in the Face of the Dreaded New Year’s Day Hangover by Getting Super Wasted

New Year’s Eve is one of a handful of holidays that expects, nay, demands its celebrants get blackout drunk. Of course we’re all going to drink on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Independence Day, but we’ll be drinking serenely as we slip away glass by glass of drugstore Merlot into a restorative stupor in front of a holiday TV special. New Year’s Eve is much more like a drinking contest, an evening-long 800-meter race to midnight, when you’ll cross the finish line of the old year with one final glass of Cook’s Brut before you projectile vomit all over your newfound soulmate, who you found earlier that evening calmly perusing the cubed cheeses and playing it oh so cool.

There’s plenty to worry about if you’re drinking lots of booze in a relatively short span of time, but the number one prosaic concern that people seem to fret over most is the dreaded New Year’s Day hangover. Fear not, bourgeois partygoers! Media outlets are here to save you from yourself. A quick perusal of the internets today will yield a slew of well-meaning articles and video tutorials from bonafide mixologists, like the boozepert who was on Fox & Friends this morning, or any of the bartenders offering breakfast cocktails to keep your stomach from folding in on itself like a masterfully-played accordion. The bottom line is, of course, keep yourself hydrated because, in keeping with our conceit, drinking your face off is just like being a humiliated, short-short-wearing member of your high school track team. Feel the shame wash over you as the other kids snicker at your chicken legs and be sure to drink plenty of coach’s syrupy Gatorade.