Melania Trump Says Her Husband Has a Human Penis

Melania Trump Says Her Husband Has a Human Penis
Illustration: (Wellcome Collection )

It is with a heavy heart and spasming esophageal sphincter I inform you that our collective imaginations must turn once more to the question of President Donald Trump’s penis. But here we are.

Mary Jordan’s forthcoming tell-all The Art of Her Deal is focused, I suppose, on how Melania Trump got swindled during negotiations with Satan around fabulous trappings of wealth and ended up married to the most revolting specimen our species has yet to produce. The book also reportedly reveals that Melania Trump not only claims to have once looked upon her husband’s penis–but also that the peen seemed legit:

“The future First Lady admonished close friends when they joked Trump must have a small penis because he has small hands, and cut in to retort: ‘Don’t say this – he’s a real man.’”

Now, on its face, that statement seems to claim that the president’s member is large, despite the presumable contrast with his stumpy little Vienna sausage fingers. However, my interpretation of this sentence is that Melania is insisting that her husband has human genitalia rather than, say, a squat, flesh-colored toadstool in the exact spot normally reserved for a penis. And, if my reading of this subtext is correct, Mrs. Trump’s pleas to her friends to think of her husband as a human in possession of an actual penis seem a bit odd, do they not? A bit too much like what someone married to a man with a spore-ejaculating fungus where a dick should be would say.

Anyway, I would make a joke about Trump producing as evidence a long-form dick pic–which includes the president’s face, hands, time and location of the dick pic, parents’ names, and signatures of those present–but I would not want to suggest that anyone wants this even in jest. Just let sleeping dicks lie.

By the way, the book also purportedly covers Melania’s disappointment over her husband’s “affairs,” but it remains to be seen whether it covers Melania’s feelings about the rape and sexual assault allegations against the president. [Daily Mail]

As Melania attempts to misdirect further investigation into her husband’s (possibly agaric) penis, Mike Pence has drawn the short straw for coronavirus misinformation duty. You see, Pence posits that we’re not seeing new cases of covid-19, those are just the same old cases we’ve had lying around that we’ve finally gotten around to testing. On a call to governors, Pence went on to explain that the seemingly higher numbers of covid-19 cases were actually just the result of excellent governing:

“I would just encourage you all, as we talk about these things, to make sure and continue to explain to your citizens the magnitude of increase in testing,” Mr. Pence said on a call with governors, audio of which was obtained by The New York Times. “And that in most of the cases where we are seeing some marginal rise in number, that’s more a result of the extraordinary work you’re doing.”

This is all in service of encouraging governors to reopen businesses, some of the extraordinary work of leading us into a second wave of sickness and death when the first isn’t even over yet. [New York Times]

  • Despite his love of doing crime, Trump also holds a space in his heart for law enforcement, perhaps since they don’t enforce laws when rich white dudes break them. [CNN]
  • The FBI is finally going to investigate the possible lynching of two black men in California after Twitter spent two weeks doing their jobs for them. [LA Times]
  • Rep. Ilhan Omar’s father has died from covid-19. [Politico]
  • An Albuquerque man has been arrested for shooting an unarmed protester, which apparently can carry penalties for anyone who is not paid to shoot them. [Washington Post]
  • Coronavirus is surging in prisons, a horrific fact that Mike Pence would undoubtedly chalk up to extraordinary prison management. [New York Times]
  • And among people detained by ICE. [Twitter]
  • Senators oppose the army general selected to head the Pentagon’s policy shop because his tweets showed “a history of making Islamophobic and inflammatory remarks against prominent Democratic politicians, including falsely calling former President Barack Obama a Muslim.” Meanwhile, his job application was most likely just those tweets printed out and glued to a sheet of construction paper. [CNN]
  • Elizabeth Warren supports middle school principal Jamaal Bowman over 16-term incumbent Rep. Eliot Engel, who had a good run and could probably use a break. [Politico]
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Share Tweet Submit Pin