Miami Swim Week 2022: Armed Models, Ninja Turtle Pecs, and a Vagina Moth

Welcome to Miami Fashion Week where the models are hot, the colors are bright and the bathing suits...come with guns? More on that (well, as much more as we could figure out) later.

Over 70 different swimwear designers took to Florida’s most tolerable city to present their latest collections, and they ranged from the expected to the feathered to the bathing suits that weren’t bathing suits but were instead just string or electrical tape.

Diana Vreeland, the famed fashion editor who served as Editor-In-Chief of Vogue from 1963 to 1971, once called the bikini, or “swoonsuits,” “the most important thing since the atom bomb,” which is a wild way to say you think women’s bodies are hot. None of these looks are important, but they are fun, weird, and in some cases, very economical! Please enjoy.

Don’t worry, we haven’t tricked you into clicking through a slideshow of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show from 2015. What we have here is a giant circular wing of feathers, a neon jeweled crown, and some colorful leg string—this is what Miami Fashion Week is all about! Things you would never, ever, wear to the beach, or anywhere.

Ah yes. A black feather lanyard. This is perfect for the beach girl whose summer goal is to intimidate seagulls into making her their queen. It’s edgy, it’s dangerous, and it’s definitely going to look just as good after a dip in the ocean.

The U.S. is going through inflation and approaching a recession. So I honestly appreciate a designer who appreciates that we should be saving our money instead of spending it on designer swimwear. Plus, with a single roll of tape, the possibilities for designs are literally endless: Throw some triangles above your belly button, give yourself some Lara-Croft-approved bangles, and create a fun little design over your vagina, and you’re a recessionista who’s ready for the shore.

I mean, look at how happy this guy is! I’d imagine that while being this hot, you’re just always happy no matter what—even dressed as a Ninja Turtle. Just wrap some trash bags around your legs and pepper your chest with green pasties, and you’re fucking ready for a day of nothing but good, summer vibes.

Who asked for this? Paris Hilton, is this your doing? I swear to god if any designer of any type of clothing forces us back to the era of these ruffled, hip-hugging micoskirts—let alone forcing us to wear them as bathing suits?!?!— I will personally ensure that the supply chain crisis hits every last fabric factory.

Okay so, the designer of the line is a U.S. veteran who served in Iraq, thank you for your service, sir but...why this? Do we need swim-and-beach-appropriate gun holsters? The brand’s website states that the goal of Naava is to “increase confidence, beauty, and strength when wearing a swimsuit.” Can we only be confident wearing a swimsuit while holding a firearm?

Seriously though, WTF is this?

I like this. Simple, sleek, definitely fashionable but not so much so that anyone would feel the need to say, “Are you OK?” Your arms won’t get tan, but your cleavage will, and luckily a cleavage tan is the only kind you need transitioning into sweater season.

Shipwreck chic! This is literally a must-have if you’re planning a yacht trip with your rich lover. Imagine getting stranded on a desert island and not having this torn, net-like, ball of thread to cover yourself with? I wouldn’t be—caught—dead trying to survive without it.

Life in plastic, it’s fantastic!

Wow, these string beach pants would be the perfect thing to have on those hot and sweaty days where it’s too humid for real pants but not quite humid enough to go pants-less. After taking two hours to put these on, you’re—bound—to get everyone’s attention for being the dumbest-looking person laying on the beach.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen an outfit designed specifically for someone who’s recently broken their arm. I think that’s nice! People with casts should be able to look just as stylish at the beach as anyone else. Hopefully, since you have a cracked limb, friends and family will be more concerned about asking you what happened, rather than why you’re wearing pink puffy moths on your private bits.

A swim poncho! Love that designers are getting more practical and weather-inclusive. This is definitely something you could make yourself with an old shower curtain, perfect for these trying financial times.

Where’s Justin Bobby these days? Does he need a new pair of combat boots for the beach? If you’re dating someone who shows up to the pool dressed like this, you have my permission to dump them.

If I ever retire, this is the first outfit I will purchase. I’ll stand on the sand of my private beach, holding my vodka martini with a twist, allowing the salty sea breeze to make my purple feathers dance. I’ll remember my youth, my long-lost lovers, and all the people who died in the apocalypse, since that’s the only way I’ll have managed to be standing on my own, private beach in a fit like this. RIP everyone else.