New Game of Thrones Trailer! New Game of Thrones Trailer!

By Lindy West  |  March 18, 2013 | 10:20pm
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I’m so excited about this I might accidentally-on-purpose eat my computer. Then maybe I’d die and maybe in heaven HBO is two weeks ahead!!! Except I don’t believe in heaven, so I guess I’d just be dead and then I’d NEVER GET TO SEE STRONG BELWAS EAT ALL THE LOCUSTS. So, I guess I’ll just wait a couple of weeks. W-evs.

Anyway, Let’s take a look at what’s going on in this trailer. Spoilers abound.

Dani got a new outfit! She’s on a boat with Ser Jorah and the dragz, sailing for Pentos if I remember correctly. (I read this shit years ago and I don’t have time to look everything up, so correct me in comments.)

Tyrion is all angsty about his fucked-up face. Get ready for 8 million more hours of that shitty attitude.

Oh, is Cersei being an unhinged beast about something? Uuuuuuugh it’s still sooooo loooooooong until she’s locked up in her hair-shirt being ignored by a nun. Curse you, linear time.

I wish Tywin Lannister wasn’t such a fucking BOSS so I could hate him more. I feel like he is more likable in the show than in the books. Discuss?

DUHHH I’M A BIG DUMB OTHER AND WHAT IS THE POINT OF ME (SOMETHING REALLY BAD PROBABLY, TBD)

Goddamnit, Stannis. Worst character ever? Don’t you have a suburban detention to oversee or something?

What’s this? The fighting pits? Strong Belwas? WHERE THE FUCK IS STRONG BELWAS

Oh, is Jon Snow eyeing somebody reproachfully because his nuts are cold? You do not say.

The North. Pretty much snow and stuff.

Oh, it’s just Brienne of Tarth fighting the Kingslayer on a bridge. Somebody’s loins are stirring ‘neath his pantaloons!!!

YEEEESSS UNSULLIED WHAT WHAT

Is that that weirdo that Dani falls in love with? I never liked that weirdo. Wasn’t he supposed to have a fancy oiled beard?

Hey, Joffrey. This raven came for you.

WTF, Joffrey, you said there would be lemon cakes in here, but this just looks like a room full of violent disillusionment and abject suffering…

Haha, Stannis, here’s your house. You can have this moldy Wall castle.

This is going to end great, Cersei. Don’t even worry about it. (Dude, the Tyrells are such fucking sleeper-hit badasses. DUDE.)

Mance Rayder, right?

Robb. No. Nope. No. Stop. Robb. STOPP.

Yeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss. Show a mammoth! Show a mammoth!

You know nothing about Frenching, Jon Snow.

Margaery. You are drunk. Who’s she talking to? Some fucking Kettleblack, prolly.

Oh yeah! That bear! Oh yeah. That bear. 🙁

Greyjoys exist. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I don’t know who that is. But it looks like Cersei is ripping off her clothes? Someone else figure this out for me.

Greatest buddy cop movie of all time.

Wait, scratch that. Arya and the Hound are the greatest buddy cop movie of all time. Or they would have been. If Arya wasn’t too busy having the GREATEST STORY ARC IN THE HISTORY OF [REDACTED BECAUSE IT’S TOO GREAT EVEN FOR A SPOILER].

Oops sorry about ur eyeballz. TTYL.

 
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