No, Bunnies Don't Rule — They're Monsters


No matter what you’ve heard lately, bunnies are not making a comeback. And if they are posing with Cara Delevingne, being read A Perfect Day For Bananabunny, or calling themselves Very Important Fashion Rabbits while being carted around in purses, it’s because the bunny lobby and the Illuminati have tricked you into believing this is so. Wake up, People! Bunnies aren’t cute; they’re hellspawn.

Yesterday, I read Callie Beusman’s piece on why the Triple Goddess smiles upon bunnies. While the piece was incredibly well-written and made me laugh harder than anything I’ve laughed at in months (I am very depressed), I must inform you that my own rabbit, Ms. Cleo, took this time to eat through a power cord that costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $64.99. Then, when I tried to catch her and return her to her room (yes, she has her own room. We used to call it my office, but now we are only allowed in with her permission), she assaulted me with her claws, causing my arms to look like I had been in a particularly violent scratching war with one or more children and/or deranged manicurists. This brought me back to reality, a reality that includes a considerable amount of poop scooping and sustained eye contact while Ms. Cleo angrily chows down on her own fecal matter.

Here is Ms. Cleo right before she fucked up an entire stack of magazines and ate two cords one time. This was a big day for her.

So big that she refused visitors after, because that’s a thing she does:

The case against Bunnies is simple: They live a long time and many, Like Ms. Cleo, are unhappy throughout. Even Ms. Beusman, in a private conversation which I am now making public (freedom of the press, Callie!), has admitted that her rabbit does not cuddle. She’s cute to look at, yes, but she also digs (bunnies love to dig. It is adorable — no, must not admit that) violently and has threatened to bite her coven leader on the knee. Take a look at this video of the bunny posted yesterday and tell me: Does it depict an adorable animal eating a raspberry or a cold-blooded psychopath letting you know through its eyes that you’re next? (Yes!)

Not convinced? Here are several more reasons that bunnies should be feared, not celebrated:

  • Bunny teeth never stop growing. This means that unless you are constantly at the pet store buying your bunny expensive treats and toys (which it will undoubtedly poop on), it will chew though anything within its tiny little grasp. But, as I have already pointed out, my rabbit will chew through anything regardless of the amount of hay she gets or how many fake $5 ice cream cones I buy her.
  • Scientists estimate that the average Bunny will poop a trillion times in their lifetime. This is both excessive and aggressive, and I will not stand for it!
  • Bunnies have secret mucous glands under their chins. When a bunny nuzzles you, it is not to show affection, but to rub its dirty germs all over you and mark you (yes, you, personally) as its territory. How does it feel to know that a bunny has made you its property? Every time a bunny nuzzles you what it is saying is “I could buy you and sell you at wholesale. Do not fuck with me.” (Pretty sinister.)
  • A bunny terrorized an entire neighborhood in 1997, biting men, women and children before finally being caught and put behind bars where it belonged.
  • Wondering why your flight was delayed? It might be because wild bunnies have taken over your airport’s runway, gleefully eating grass and pooping (they love to poop, I am telling you) as you miss important meetings, family events, and your children’s milestones.
  • Rabbits are so dangerous to crops that Australia had to resort to biological warfare on them when they breached an impenetrable fence built to contain them.
  • Rabbits are incapable of vomiting. Other things rabbits are incapable of: Common decency, love.
  • Websites about rabbits are often written exclusively in Comic Sans.
  • The most famous rabbit was an actual monster adopted by an American family. Instead of being grateful for their kindness, he bled all of their vegetables dry and terrorized their cat and dog. It is such a famous case that it was turned into a series of books. That’s serious!
  • Bunnies enjoy Creed. (R.I.P, Judith Bunler)
  • Bunnies hate television, especially The Bachelor, which is a quality show about people finding lasting love. Why so much hate, Lilith?

So now that you know the facts, what can we do to stop bunnies? “Mark,” I imagine you saying, clutching desperately at my Ross Dress For Less factory-second t-shirt, “Is there anything to be done about bunnies before they take over the world?” There’s an answer, but it may not be one you want to hear.

As any reality TV fan knows, you should always keep your friends close and your enemies (the Kardashians) closer. Eating, eradicating, or otherwise molesting these devilspawn will only serve to heighten their defensive instincts. What we must do — and this will sound counterintuitive — is to provide them with seemingly safe homes, toys, affection, and the false security that comes from knowing that your host doesn’t mind picking up your poop on a regular basis. We must never let them know we’ve cottoned (cotton-tailed?) to their plan, but we must always be vigilant. One never knows when they might grow suspicious and strike.

*Videos of Judith Bunler and Lilith by Callie, who mistakenly assumed that I was writing about how much I loved bunnies when I asked for them.

Image via Shutterstock

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