Paris Fashion Week 2022: Cher!

September is ending, which means so is the exhausting period that is fashion month. The spring shows at Paris Fashion Week are topping off 30 days of mermaid villains, titty twisters, and celebs sucking up to designers and each other. And the City of Light is going out with...anything but a bang. More like with the vibes of a moody teenager staring at something mildly amusing, saying “cool,” then walking away to stare at their phone.

I wasn’t there—I know, I’m sure you’re surprised—but from what I saw on Getty Images, the French designers really phoned it in. Which is fine! I’m not criticizing, just observing. Maybe they used up all their creative energy on their collections for Paris Couture Week. Maybe they had a weird summer. Maybe it’s just Mercury in retrograde. Regardless, as someone who is admittedly very easily excited, I was deeply underwhelmed—too many flowers and not nearly enough outfits that made me say, “What is this and why?” Except for Balmain!

Balmain said “Fire!,” they said “The 1600s!,” they said, “Do you believe in life after love?!” There was one thing they definitely didn’t say, but you can click through to find out about that for yourself. Olivier Rousteing’s collection had over 100 incredible looks that all felt worthy of a spot at Parish Fashion Week. And, most importantly, the show had CHER.

So here are some great looks from Balmain, and some clothes from some other people.

The 76-year-old Taurus delighted the world (and her trainer/nutritionist/plastic surgeon, no doubt) when she made a surprise strut onto the Balmain catwalk to close out the show. She hugged Rousteing, walked around to her song “Believe” (obviously), and wore a jaw-dropping tight, black, metallic bodysuit. Even more iconic than Cher making a surprise appearance? Her tweet about it afterwards.

Literally no idea if this woman is wearing clothes or not, because all I can focus on is the tattoo of a demon rising from her crotch. I’ve long been hesitant to get a tattoo because I feel like I can’t commit to a design, but I’m suddenly feeling wildly inspired...

It’s giving Matrix-core. Bank-robber-core. BDSM-Carmen-San-Diego-core.

I love this—it’s really a glass-half-full mentality in wearable form. You’ve got some rips, some tears, some dings, but decorate them with lace and continue letting your sunny personality shine through. Inspiring!

More Matrix-core, kind of. Also would be a great look if you’re someone who’s constantly surrounded by dumb people asking you stupid questions. Akin to a “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” mug, these exaggerated, permanently-shrugged shoulders say, “Don’t ask me.”

I was under the impression that, after the infamous florals line in “The Devil Wears Prada” (which came out more than 15 years ago!!) designers understood that we don’t need any more florals for spring and that delivering a floral-heavy line would essentially be making themselves the punchline.

With that said, if you’re a designer whose heart and soul is just really fucking aching to put a flower on a dress then why not try a wild, different, unique flower: a lobster claw, flying duck orchid, crown imperial, swaddled babies, bat plant, dancing girls, voodoo lily. The list is infinite but only a Google search away.

While the Balmain show was the most “show” of all of Paris Fashion Week, a quarter of their line featured prints of naked Renaissance women—yet none of their show featured any bodies above a size four. Just an observation!

Whoops! This model arrived so late to the show that they just pushed her onto the runway with the bed shirt she woke up in. So awk when that happens. She’s owning it though, good for her.

A big, layered, quilt dress made with fabric tangrams is probably something for someone somewhere. Most importantly though, is the revelation that this spring, hats, headbands, hair scarves are out. Swim caps are in.

OK, wear the swim cap. But for god’s sake, take it off if it’s too tight. Yikes.

Dawei Sun heard the centuries-old adage, “There’s absolutely no such thing as a perfect winter-to-spring look,” and took it as a challenge.

Like I said, their collection was...fire.

This is the uniform our children will forced to wear in 20 years if we allow men like Kanye and Elon Musk to continue doing whatever it is they keep doing.

Yes, women are a gift. And we deserved to be dressed as such.

The fire, the drama, the flair, the color, the phoenix-rising-from-the-ashes-of-the-world-she-burned-down-because-it-sucked vibes. My heart stopped. You’d make an entrance, an exit, and probably, an entire new kingdom where you are queen, in this dress. It RULES.