Royal Family Ends Mourning Period With New Profile Pictures, Cheeky Threats

"My father will be king, so you better watch out," a 9-year-old Prince George reportedly told a classmate.

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Royal Family Ends Mourning Period With New Profile Pictures, Cheeky Threats
Photo:WPA Pool/Karwai Tang (Getty Images)

The mourning period for Queen Elizabeth is officially dunzo, and the royals are back to doing what they do best: honoring their dead relatives with brooches and coats, being passive aggressive to one another, grasping for relevance, etc.

King Charles (née Prince) and Camilla, Queen Consort have taken on the daunting royal task of updating their profile pictures. The official royal Instagram and Twitter accounts now feature a photo of the two of them staring blankly ahead as if they are waiting for the tube to arrive—something they have never and will never do. Charles’ coins and banknotes have also been given a debut date: mid-2024, according to the Bank of England! Lots of big career updates for the 73-year-old.

Already looking ahead to a time when his grandfather is off the throne, Prince George is reportedly threatening classmates with this status. Royal expert and author of the book The New Royals, Katie Nicholl, told the Daily Mail that the young heir to the throne said to a classmate, “My father will be King so you better watch out.” The Mail made sure to convey that the 9-year-old’s threat was “cheeky”, which it probably was! He’s just a kid! Plus, I think all threats by British aristocrats are cheeky by nature.

In another cheeky and passive aggressive threat, Meghan and Harry’s status has been demoted yet again: Their profiles have been bumped way down on the official Royal Family website and appear beneath both The Countess of Wessex (????) The Duke of Gloucester (????????) and right next to Uncle Randy Andy’s. I’d make a joke about them being sat at the kids’ table, but legally I don’t think Andy is allowed at the kids’ table. The Daily Beast argues that this move is “likely to increase speculation that Charles is seeking to reduce the public perception of their importance.” Consider my speculation increased.

But all is well and good for Meghan, who can now return to her true calling: releasing her podcast Archetypes. Margaret Cho will guest on the next episode of the series, which was paused to honor the Queen’s death. Also honoring the Queen’s death is Kate Middleton’s younger brother, James. He named his new dog “Bertie” after Elizabeth’s father Albert.

“It was incredible that the Queen dedicated her life to service, and in many ways Bertie the dog will be dedicating his life to service too,” James told Hello! OK!

Meanwhile, I’m dedicating my life to bringing you gossip:

  • Lizzo resurrected President James Madison’s ghost last night by playing his 200-year-old crystal flute with no pants on at her D.C. concert. Shout-out to the Library of Congress for handing over that treasure! [NPR]
  • Despite it being the reason du jour for breakups, Tom Brady has not cheated on Gisele. [Page Six]
  • Cracking the glass nut? I don’t know. There’s a new purple girl peanut M&M, the first ever in history. What even counts as history? [Today]
  • Yung Miami is getting dragged online for saying in an interview that she wants to be the “Black Oprah.” [HipHopWired]
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