SCOTUS Gift Guide: What to Buy the Unelected Justice Who Loves 18th Century Law
If you find yourself needing to bribe a judge without raising major red flags, consider these ethically appropriate and fitting alternatives to a private jet.
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ProPublica revealed Thursday that Justice Clarence Thomas has taken at least 38 destination vacations paid for by multiple wealthy benefactors—even beyond his OG sugardaddy Harlan Crow. This is in addition to all the private jet flights, yacht trips, and tens of thousands of dollars in private school tuition he’s received over the years.
Thomas and Justice Samuel Alito, in particular, stand out on the high court for the sheer amount of gifts they’ve accepted from rich conservatives and the aggrieved defense that they should be allowed to receive said gifts without disclosing them. It’s amusing to consider their stances on ethics for themselves compared to how they interpret the law for other people—namely, that they are above the law and that the rest of our rights should be harshly governed by statutes men wrote in the 17-1800s. In Alito’s opinion overturning Roe v. Wade, for instance, he wrote that “the right to abortion is not deeply rooted in the Nation’s history and tradition” and that “the Constitution makes no reference to abortion.” (Alito is a shitty historian.) Never mind that the Constitution also doesn’t say justices can act like kings appointed by God and have zero ethical standards.
Since these dudes are so obsessed with the 18th and 19th centuries, and since other people are so obsessed with bestowing free shit upon them, we have rounded up a list of suggested gifts that would be more appropriate, ethical, and fitting to give a Supreme Court justice than, say, a $100K private jet flight. If you’re going to talk the talk, you should be prepared to walk the walk—and unfortunately, there were no superyachts in 1787.
Happy shopping!
One Single Horseshoe
Thomas has taken more than two dozen private jet flights. Conservative friends looking to subsidize his travel should instead consider sending him a shiny new horseshoe to protect his vehicle’s feet, as there was no air travel until 1903.
A Kite
Thomas reportedly took eight helicopter flights. But what is a helicopter to someone living in 1805? Merely a fantastical idea. If someone insists on giving a Supreme Court justice an aerial gift, we would not complain about it being a kite (here’s a huge bald eagle one that they’d love for just $14.99).
A Map
Thomas and his wife Ginni have been on at least three vacations on a 162-foot superyacht with a private chef. That’s ridiculous. A map will help them find their way to the ocean just fine, and anyone living in the 18th century would probably be psyched to receive one.
A Fishing Net
Alito stayed at a luxury lodge in Alaska to go salmon fishing for $1,000 a day. But Alaska didn’t become a U.S. state until 1959! Get him a fishing net to use at the creek down the road in a state that already existed.
Beans
During that Alaskan fishing trip, Alito and other guests enjoyed multicourse meals that included Kobe beef and massive king crab legs. That’s a bit over the ethics line IMO! If you’d like to cook for a Supreme Court justice without raising red flags, consider red beans and rice.
Moonshine
Alito et. al were served $1,000 bottles of wine at the Alaskan lodge. None of that screams “We’re living in a democracy in 1850,” but bootleg barrel moonshine certainly does.
A Hoop and a Stick
Thomas enjoyed VIP experiences at sporting events, typically in a luxury suite. But what is a skybox to a lowly country judge in 1784 who could perform his own athletic feats with hoop rolling?
Bag of Marbles
Thomas had a standing invitation to a billionaire’s golf and yacht club. Sounds like a lot of work (and money!) when he could just stay home and play marbles.
A Nice Ride in a Horse-Drawn Carriage
A friend of Thomas’ underwrote the purchase of his $270,000 R.V. in 1999; the friend said the loan was “satisfied” (note: not the same thing as “repaid”) about nine years later. A more historically appropriate option would be for the friend to gift one ride to the market in their carriage.
A Quill
A billionaire paid tens of thousands in private school tuition for Thomas’ grand-nephew who he was raising as a son. Give him a new quill he can give to his nephew if he wants.
A Book
Thomas has enjoyed annual stays in a private, 105-acre resort in the Adirondacks which has “25 fireplaces, three boathouses, clay tennis court, and batting cage,” and “a lifesize replica of the Harry Potter character Hagrid’s hut.” He can enjoy reading about traveling instead with a copy of Gulliver’s Travels, which was published in 1726. (First edition copies go for $100,000, I so recommend the $10 Amazon one.) And I guess the 1700s-equivalent of Harry Potter would be, what? The Bible?
Jail for Ginni Thomas
Wealthy activist Leonard Leo funneled “another $25K” to Ginni Thomas by laundering it through pollster Kellyanne Conway. But women were not allowed to have their own bank account until 1974!! So Ginni gets nothing, and, actually, she goes to prison for theft.
GET JEZEBEL RIGHT IN YOUR INBOX
Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.