SCOTUS Gift Guide: What to Buy the Unelected Justice Who Loves 18th Century Law

If you find yourself needing to bribe a judge without raising major red flags, consider these ethically appropriate and fitting alternatives to a private jet.

Gift Guide
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Photo: Getty Images

ProPublica revealed Thursday that Justice Clarence Thomas has taken at least 38 destination vacations paid for by multiple wealthy benefactors—even beyond his OG sugardaddy Harlan Crow. This is in addition to all the private jet flights, yacht trips, and tens of thousands of dollars in private school tuition he’s received over the years.

Thomas and Justice Samuel Alito, in particular, stand out on the high court for the sheer amount of gifts they’ve accepted from rich conservatives and the aggrieved defense that they should be allowed to receive said gifts without disclosing them. It’s amusing to consider their stances on ethics for themselves compared to how they interpret the law for other people—namely, that they are above the law and that the rest of our rights should be harshly governed by statutes men wrote in the 17-1800s. In Alito’s opinion overturning Roe v. Wade, for instance, he wrote that “the right to abortion is not deeply rooted in the Nation’s history and tradition” and that “the Constitution makes no reference to abortion.” (Alito is a shitty historian.) Never mind that the Constitution also doesn’t say justices can act like kings appointed by God and have zero ethical standards.

Since these dudes are so obsessed with the 18th and 19th centuries, and since other people are so obsessed with bestowing free shit upon them, we have rounded up a list of suggested gifts that would be more appropriate, ethical, and fitting to give a Supreme Court justice than, say, a $100K private jet flight. If you’re going to talk the talk, you should be prepared to walk the walk—and unfortunately, there were no superyachts in 1787.

Happy shopping!

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