Thank You to Everyone Who Is Choosing to Stay Inside and Masturbate

Thank You to Everyone Who Is Choosing to Stay Inside and Masturbate
The Peach Screenshot:YouTube (Sony Pictures Classics)

As you may or may not be aware, currently hosts some pretty average, but not entirely terrible, coronavirus porn. However, chances are, even if you didn’t read the news about it on Jezebel dot com, you’re aware of their current offerings because, according to Pornhub, there’s been a spike in viewership since the coronavirus outbreak began. And it’s not just in Italy, where they’re currently offering free premium content for everyone on lockdown, although they have had the most significant increase in viewership there, up by nearly 14 percent.

Data released by Pornhub shows that, for the 120 million people for whom they are already part of a daily routine, viewership has increased in some interesting ways in the wake of social distancing. Notably, traffic has been consistently larger worldwide, even though the hours of use have shifted.

Whereas previously the 8 am hour on Monday was a popular time for folks looking to start their mornings off right, it appears traffic was down during that hour. They posit it was because people chose to sleep in later as many were not required to slog through their typical morning commutes. This is definitive proof that sleeping in is definitely better than getting off, and that’s just science babe!

However, the Monday morning slump was offset by an earlier 11 percent increase in viewership at 2 am, and then two additional bumps of 11 percent at 1 pm and 8 percent at 7 pm. People seem to be making good use of their virtual lunch and dinner breaks at least.

I’d like to extend my sincerest gratitude to those of you choosing to rub one out in the name of social distancing, especially considering that staying the hell away from each other continues to be the most surefire way to flatten the curve of the outbreak. If you need an extra incentive to stay inside and get down with yourself, there’s some vague scientific indication that masturbating increases immunity levels, and although it’s probably just a bunch of Goop, there’s no harm in trying it out. Of course, there’s also no harm in engaging in pleasure for pleasure’s sake either, so if it makes you feel good then that’s reason enough!

If you’d rather not jump over to Pornhub for visual stimulation, especially considering the recent allegations they’ve profited off videos of sexual abuse and rape, there are plenty of other options available to you on the net. It’s also a great time to support independent sex workers, whose livelihood is very likely to be impacted by COVID-19, and I encourage you to explore the various options for that online.

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