The Jezebel Staff, Perfected

In Depth

Did you know the internet is just one big lie? A hoax. A fraud. A scam, I tell ya! You’ve probably suspected this, but I’m here to assure you every celebrity you follow on Instagram is using evil apps to make themselves look like they aren’t even the same species as us. Today, I turn those apps on our staff.

The best (worst?) of these is called Perfect365 and when you upload a photo it “scans” for your face Minority Report style and magically offers up a bunch of makeup looks for you to try on. My favorite is “Regal Rose” which gives you too much lip gloss and fake eyelashes.

Next up: Facetune. Facetune! I mean, the name says it all. “Tune your face with Facetune!” With this app you can whiten teeth, buff away zits, reshape noses and chins and brows and even change the color of your eyes. Facetune is a horrible machine.

Once your makeup is all done and you don’t have any more zits, get rid of your wrinkles using moreBeaute2. If I had to guess, I’d say this is the one that virtually polishes the most butts.

Finally, head over to LensLight for some artificial bling. Behold, our own Clover Hope with added sparkle:

A de-freckled Ellie Shechet:

Matching your makeup to your earrings wasn’t really a thing until now, Hillary Crosley:

Anna Merlan, you are a cartoon character:

Kelly Faircloth, the fairest of them all:

Jia Tolentino was born pre-airbrushed, so this is her punishment:

Kara Brown has more hair than you, now:

Ladies and gentlemen, a slightly more symmetrical Madeleine Davies:

Tracy Moore, rhymes with…:

And Mark Shrayber wanted in on the action, so I gave him hair implants and bleached his teeth:

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