The Thrift That Keeps on Thrifting

By Emily Panic | November 4, 2015 | 4:05pm

In Depth

Greetings devoted Thriftee’s! I’m back with another round of Thrift Diaries. I just went on the road with my male companion, El-P (Jaime), and Killer Mike, aka Rap Super-Duo Run the Jewels, for one week to five different cities. I hung out, ate a lot of good food, talked a lot of shit and thrifted. Join me, won’t you?

PART 3: NASHVILLE

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I get to Nashville on a beautiful sunny day. We have the day off and to be honest it was not especially eventful for me. I mostly stayed inside the hotel and napped because I’m sorry to break it to you but people don’t usually wake up after a night spent in New Orleans NOT hungover. The highlight of the day was having dinner at a a swanky steakhouse that serves bacon topped with COTTON CANDY which is the high class version of a doughnut burger, I guess. Anyway it was obviously very good. the lowlight of this particular day was watching re-runs of The Bachelorette Season 11 for the first time. I thought it might be fun in a trashy way but it just made me very sad for the future of humanity, though that being said maybe the girl writing about shopping and sharing selfies shouldn’t be throwing stones in a glass blog or whatever…

The following morning I woke up and got an Uber over to a Goodwill that I was hoping would be far enough out of town that it wasn’t picked over. My driver was a nice woman named Rachel. I can tell you two things about Rachel after having driven in her car for less than 10 minutes. One is that she uses the “Boy Band” voice on her Waze navigation app which turns out is a very creepy, breathy voice that directs you while you drive and sounds more like the voice a sociopath would use to keep you calm before locking you in a trunk than anyone in an actual boy band. Two is that she belongs to an LGBT friendly kickball league called Hot Mess Kickball, and that she is on a team called the Reba Kickintires! My other favorite team name from the league is called Kick Tease, because what can I say, I love wordplay. The bottom line is that Rachel clearly has a lot going on.

Once inside the Goodwill I go straight to the bric a brac section because I want to find a mug to drink coffee from on the tour bus that will later serve as a token to remember me by once I am gone… from the tour. I thought this one was actually pretty funny but I ended up going with one that was basically just a weird green face/head.

I also find this gem in the bric a brac section:

A facial toning system that makes a strong case for the first female serial killer movie franchise, especially after reading this review from Amazon:

I received a burn on my face from this product. I still have a scar from it two years later. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. I think it’s dangerous and should be taken off the market.

If I was writing the plot of the movie it would be about a woman who, desperately trying to conform to society’s ridiculous beauty standards, is horribly disfigured by a pulsating beauty mask (IRONY) and goes on a killing rampage. Maybe in the sequel she teams up with Jason Voorhees and they bond over their love of killing, and masks.

Here is what the Rejuvenique looks like on the inside. It reminds me of the weight loss stimulating underwear from Mad Men and is probably equally as ineffective at achieving its advertised goal.

Ok now that I’ve warned you about the harmful effects of sinister at-home beauty tools, lets look at some clothing!

First we have this classic trench coat which is a staple piece except that this one is too big on me. If I’m getting a trench coat I want to look more Linda Carter and less paper bag. Check out those lapels!

Next we have this funky embroidered jacket that I like a lot except for the bright pink color. It is probably what I’ll wear in the future when I become a widow and start trolling Caribbean cruises for my 3rd husband. Looking back I wish I had bought this jacket because who knows how soon that will be.

Next we have these two button down shirts. The white one on the left is great, I love the cut, the gold button detail, the collar, but unfortunately I didn’t notice until I was at the cash register that it had a bunch of red wine stains on the front. Boo! then there is this 100% silk striped button down which is OK except for the little tails that force you to wear a knot in the front. I don’t like being told what to do by a shirt! Also the colors are not great.

Then we have this cute graphic sweater — I like the black and white — and then these ‘80s pants that actually fit me pretty well. Why didn’t I buy these pants? Probably because I hate most ‘80s clothing and because my ~~personality~~ fashion is fickle and ever-changing.

Lastly here is the only thing that I did buy, this black velvet overalls/jumpsuit/snow pants mashup for $4. Here it is styled three ways: alone, over the stained blouse, and then later over the lacey blouse and belt from New Orleans, giving me a sort of goth pirate look.

The show in Nashville that night was sold out and very fun. I got to hang out with some dear friends and (humble brag) Jack White was there and complimented my button covered jean jacket/black and white jumpsuit ensemble after which I made a joke about not being able to read. It doesn’t make sense out of context but please trust that it was very witty and funny, because I can read.

Next up: Memphis.