Things I Am Thinking as I Listen to My Upstairs Neighbors Have Sex Right Now


Apartment living can be a bit of a drag. Case in point: It is a rainy Friday afternoon and I am stuck listening to my very loud upstairs neighbors going to town on one another. Here are my thoughts as they run through my head.

  • This is the only time I have ever heard my female neighbor use her voice to do something other than scream at someone on the phone.
  • Is the person she screams at the same person she is having sex with now? If yes, I am glad that they can channel their aggressive energy into something more fun. If not, I am glad that she has moved on to a less toxic relationship.
  • What are they even trying to pull off up there? Are they not worried about the bed scratching the floors and then losing their damage deposit?
  • The damage deposit for units in this apartment building is insanely high, as is the rent. Is it in my best financial interest to sign on for another year? P.S. Our basement has an opossum living in it.
  • My windows are rattling. Good god, kids, throw on some Frank Ocean or something.
  • I forgot to do my taxes until exactly this moment.
  • I think I could be a hat person, but do I have the confidence to really pull it off?
  • I bet these pair’s friends don’t really get why they’re in a couple and are always asking what they see in one another, but they can’t answer because it’s hard to put their passion and love into a comfortable sentence that’s easy for the simple masses to digest.
  • Where does love fit into the Modern Condition?
  • If I can hear everything that they’re doing does that mean that they know how often I watch Pretty Little Liars on Netflix? Do they judge me for it? What do they think of Pretty Little Liars? There’s no getting around how Mr. Fitz is a pedophile.

Image via elwynn/Shutterstock.

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