This Week In Tabloids: Budding Lovebirds Shiloh & Kingston Skype To Keep Relationship Alive


Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we flirt and banter with gossip rags In Touch, Us, Life & Style, Ok! and Star. This week, Kim and Kris’s marriage is ending; Demi has kicked Ashton out of the house; Christina Aguilera is “awash in vodka”; and Shiloh jolie-Pitt and Kingston Rossdale are in love.

“Yes, I’m Having A Baby!”
Apparently Jessica Simpson went to a restaurant and joked, “Now I can eat anything I want and no one will care. It’s just sort of a rule with pregnant women.” And so we have a “confession” that she is having a baby. A joke overheard by an unnamed source. Just to clarify: Jessica did not tell the magazine, “Yes, I’m having a baby.” But! A”friend” of Jess’s says she saw her wearing a skirt from Pickles & Ice Cream maternity store. So a bun must be in the oven. If a cover story consisting of a rumor-stated-as-fact doesn’t annoy you, check out the story titled “Baby Bump Or Big Meal?” (See Fig. 1) Here, we learn that Gwyneth has a “meal-induced” curve to her midsection, Uma Thurman must be knocked up since her hips are so wide, five-foot-two Christina Aguilera is “big boned” and Fergie is “definitely pregnant” since her arms are “thick.” Also inside: Jennifer Lopez and Bradley Cooper are “getting serious,” they have “tremendous chemistry” and he is “totally smitten with her.” Demi Moore’s daughters are “horrified” that Ashton cheated, and Rumer and Tallulah are especially angry since the chick he had unprotected sex with is around their age. Finally, all you J’Anthrax fans can stalk the couple much easier now, thanks to this handy map (See Fig. 2). Sur La Table is right down the street from my office! See you there!
Grade: D (flirty text)

“Jen’s Secret Romance.”
Bradley Cooper has been “after” Jennifer Lopez, calling her for ages. “Trying to woo her in a big way.” And now they are having the sex. Moving on: Scarlett Johansson and Joseph Gordon Levitt were seen being lovey and kissy in a bar. Beyoncé and Jay-Z will have a 2,200 square foot nursery in their Tribeca apartment. And finally, when Kim Kardashian was in Dubai, she rode a camel while wearing 6½ inch heels. Yalla!
Grade: D+ (flirty email)

Life & Style
“Headed For A Split!”
Kim Kardashian went to Dubai, and when she returned from her long flight, Kris Humphries didn’t meet her at the airport or even at home, because he was out club-hopping and getting sloshed. He was also seen walking into a bar in the wee hours holding hands with a blonde who may or may not be his sister’s best friend but who cares? Not the Kardashians. “All Kim’s family and friends positively hate Kris,” says an insider. Kim and Kris had a huge fight after the wedding special aired — he “screamed” at her — because she, her family and the producers portrayed him negatively and made him look like a jerk. The good news? Kim’s prenup is solid. She’s already plotting out what she’ll do in 2012 — holidays and travel — and Kris isn’t a part of any of it. It’s the beginning of the end, folks! In which the beginning is the end. Moving on: Cameron Diaz is heartbroken that A-Rod already has a new ladyfriend, and she is a “Cameron Clone,” i.e., blond and muscular. Paula Abdul has something to say and it is, “being happy is more important that being skinny.” The page called “Who Is January’s Baby Daddy?” uses a photograph of the child and five possible dudes with whom she might have played put the P in the V. (See Fig. 3) 39% of readers (aka editors in the L&S office) think Bobby Flay is the winner of this game. I’ll take paternity test for $500, Alex! All joking aside, imagine being an kid and seeing your infant self in a magazine, with people voting on where your DNA came from. Yikes. Last, but not least, NYU freshman Dakota Fanning is, like many college students, struggling to get by, in a $8,400 a month 2-bedroom apartment in SoHo. (See Fig. 4) The most worrying part? John “The Player” Mayer lives in the same building. Girl, when you see him coming, you better close that elevator door faster than you can say Taylor Swift.
Grade: C+ (flirty phone call)

In Touch
“It’s Worse Than Anyone Knows.”
You guys, honestly, I can’t. I don’t watch any of the Housewives shows, and from a quick scan of this VERY SHORT story the “exclusive” is a recap of last week’s show. Caroline, Melissa, Teresa, Jacqueline, Joe, they have problems, okay? Serious problems, from what I can glean. Things are unfair. There are financial worries. Someone might be using someone else. And the folks from In Toca made a New York Magazine-style grid, except instead of highbrow and lowbrow and brilliant and despicable, it’s just housewife and housewife and housewife and housewife. So, lowbrow, then? I guess? (See Fig. 5) Let’s move on. Brad Pitt is “cracking under the pressure” because little Vivienne got a stomach bug and had to be rushed to the hospital. Right after that, Angelina flew to Libya on a humanitarian mission, “leaving poor Brad behind to care for the sick girl.” A mother must never expect a father to share parenting duties, what are you, crazy? Pippa Middleton is secretly engaged, but won’t announce it until Christmas, but something is not a secret if everyone knows, right? Kim Kardashian went to Dubai and Kris partied in New York with Scott Disick, and was seen drinking and “loving the attention.” Demi Moore has kicked Ashton Kutcher out of the house. She’s fucking pissed, since she went out of her way to accommodate Ashton’s sexual needs — agreeing to threesomes and ignoring extramarital dalliances — but she did tell him, “Wrap it before you tap it,” and he had unprotected sex with Sara Leal, so Demi “will never be able to trust him again.” BREAKING VERY IMPORTANT NEWS! Shiloh Jolie-Pitt has her first true love, with none other than Kingston Rossdale. Yes folks, you can stop calling her a lesbian, because she has a crush on a very pretty, long-haired BOY. A source says Shiloh and Kingston “love playing the same games, watching the same movies and even dressing up in the same silly costumes.” Awesome. Gender-bending FTW. Hopefully she’ll cut her hair really short and he’ll grow his hair really long and she’ll collect combat boots and he’ll get regular manicures. Apparently they have a “very special bond” and Skype when they’re not in the same city. It. Is. On. (See Fig. 6) Next: “What Really Happened To Lindsay Lohan’s Face?” is pretty self-explanatory (See Fig. 7). See if you can spot what’s wrong with this sentence: “Fed up with the cruel taunts, Jersey Shore‘s Snooki gets her revenge by losing nearly 20 pounds.” Revenge? Jessica Simpson’s unborn fetus will grow to become a girl, according to unnamed sources. Kelly Rowland is hooking up with Chris Brown, or at least having dinner with him as they are both on the road together. Lastly: “Plastic Surgery — Fixed!” shows how ladies with different expressions look different. Although Hilary Duff’s shorter teeth are better, I think we can all agree on that. (See Fig. 8)
Grade: B (flirty hand-written note)

“Kim & Kris THE END.”
While Kim was out of town enjoying even-toed ungulates, Kris was getting his freak on at the club. Some chick grinded (ground?) up on him and basically gave him a lap dance, and then Tweeted about it. She wrote, “Just danced in Kris Humphries lap… SORRY KIM. Best night of my life.” Kris, for his part, was “acting like a single man,” according to sources, and he takes other girls’ cell phone numbers “all the time.” Kim has already visited a divorce attorney. Let’s move on. The “star” who just had plastic surgery — as advertised on the cover — is Eddie Cibrian’s ex-wife, Brandi Glanville. Star uses the word “star” loosely. Jennifer Hudson has called off her wedding because she and her boyfriend fight all he time — about her career, her commitment issues and her reluctance to have more kids. Lea Michelle was supposed to participate in a food fight on Glee, and “pitched a fit” because there were meatballs involved and she is vegan. “Princess Lea” got her way and her co-stars threw salad at her instead. Some phrases from the story called “Christina Aguilera TRAIN WRECK”: “Bloated and disheveled.” “Awash in vodka, wine and champagne.” “Worse than ever.” “More champagne, bottles of cold pinot grigio and Belvedere vodka.” “It was almost embarrassing.” “Point of no return.” Oh look! It’s that time again, LeAnn Rimes Body Image Hour! “I love my body,” says LeAnn. “I under stand the public is used to seeing me with baby fat, but you have to understand that I’m not a baby anymore.” Okay! The next story is so crazy it might just be true: The lady who had an affair with Beyoncé’s dad, Matthew Knowles, says that when she told him she was pregnant, he wanted her to give the kid to Beyoncé and Jay-Z to raise as their own. She said no. Actually, she said, “are you out of your mind?” And: “When he realized that it wasn’t going to happen, he offered me more money to leave the Knowles name off the birth certificate.” But! Nixon Alexander Knowles Wright was born on February 4, 2010. But with all the is-she-or-isn’t-she whispers surrounding Pregnancé, it is easy to imagine some insane Telenovela-worthy plot in which she fakes a baby bump and ends up raising her brother/son. Next, concerntrolls are concerned about Angelina Jolie. When Angie showed up at a hospital in Libya, “it looked like she was the one who needed medical attention. Because of her gaunt and worn-down appearance, ‘people kept offering her food, water and a quiet place to sit down and rest,'” a source claims. Maybe because she had just gotten off of a long flight? No! She’s living on 800 calories a day, says a “friend,” and is skin and bones and really only ingests green tea. Sigh. Maybe she’s worried about Shiloh and Kingston moving too fast?
Grade: B+ (flirty Skype chat)


Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from Ok!

Fig. 3, from Life & Style

Fig. 4, from Life & Style

Fig. 5, from In Touch

Fig. 6, from In Touch

Fig. 7, from In Touch

Fig. 8, from In Touch

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