This Week In Tabloids: Jealousy, Flight Attendant, Model Trains Came Between JLo & Marc
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness. Every Wednesday, we board the gossip express, speeding through space and time as we read Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Star. This week we learned that Kate Middleton’s slender frame has forced Kim Kardashian to go on a crash diet for her wedding day; the lady from The Bachelorette may be engaged, but she’s on her way to Splitsville; and Marc Anthony has a fondness for flight attendants and model trains.
Ok!
“Brad’s Mystery Woman!”
We’ve heard this story before, but here it again: Brad Pitt was photographed walking next to a young brunette woman on the set of the zombie movie he is filming in Malta, World War Z, and since they were seen talking and laughing, “Angie can’t take it anymore.” In fact, the mag points out: “Now, after six years, maybe Angelina Jolie knows how Jennifer Aniston felt.” Ugh. Brad is “laying down the law” and insisting that Angelina “chill out,” but she’s suspicious because she “always hooked up on set.” Also inside: Kim Kardashian has allegedly picked her wedding dress. Actually, Vera Wang has made her three different dresses. We kind of hope she wears them all at the same time. Layers! Insiders claim Kim’s gown is strapless with a cascading train and intricate decorations on the bodice because “she wanted something different and unique.” Except that sounds like every single wedding dress you have ever seen. Lastly, in JLo and Marc news, they split because he had a wandering eye and he’s been spending time with his ex-wife, Dayanara Torres (possibly because they have two kids together). Meh.
Grade: F (derailed freight train)
In Touch
“I’m Terrified Of Being Poor.”
Okay. So Teresa from RHONJ has been teased by her castmates ever since her husband’s company filed for bankruptcy, but now Teresa and Joe have a new motto: “It’s isn’t about how much money you make, it’s about how much you save.” Pro. Found. Meanwhile, Teresa is “terrified of being poor” and “trying to build an empire,” and the bricks of that empire are a cookbook, her own cocktail and a line of cosmetics. Next: Kourtney Kardashian got an “instant butt lift” by wearing heels. Unfortunately, she was also wearing a hideous yellow jumpsuit made from Von Trapp family curtains (See Fig. 1). Brad and Angelina are fighting over Shiloh, and it’s all Brad’s mom’s fault. Grandma Jane thinks Shiloh is wild and rebellious and she blames Angelina for that, of course. Apparently Shiloh has been “forgotten,” because the twins are always being carried. Plus, Shiloh has asked Angelina to stop traveling, and Jane agrees. Brad is torn, sniffle. Marc Anthony’s huge mistake in his marriage was trying to turn Jennifer Lopez into a traditional housewife. Marc thinks the man should be the breadwinner — and he has “an unpredictable and crazy temper.” We’ll take Latino stereotypes for $500, Alex! The lady from The Bachelorette has allegedly chosen the man who will propose to her, and it’s J.P. But. He will never marry her, according to sources, because she is insecure. He likes peppy, confident girls, and once she shows who she really is he’ll go back to dating “carefree NYC ladies.” Kim Kardashian is on a “crash wedding diet.” She is “panicking” because she used to be “way fitter” and she “looks chunky beside Kris.” That’s her fiancé Kris, not her mom Kris. Apparently, after seeing Kate Middleton “and her skinny sister Pippa,” Kim will not settle for anything but a size 2 body on her wedding day. Not only is she working out at home and in the gym with Tracy Anderson and Gunnar Peterson, she’s going on a 10-day juice fast. Sounds like she’ll be spending a lot of time in the loo. Sexy.
Grade: D- (runaway sooty coal mine cart)