This Week In Tabloids: Jealousy, Flight Attendant, Model Trains Came Between JLo & Marc

Welcome back to Midweek Madness. Every Wednesday, we board the gossip express, speeding through space and time as we read Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Star. This week we learned that Kate Middleton’s slender frame has forced Kim Kardashian to go on a crash diet for her wedding day; the lady from The Bachelorette may be engaged, but she’s on her way to Splitsville; and Marc Anthony has a fondness for flight attendants and model trains.

Ok!
“Brad’s Mystery Woman!”
We’ve heard this story before, but here it again: Brad Pitt was photographed walking next to a young brunette woman on the set of the zombie movie he is filming in Malta, World War Z, and since they were seen talking and laughing, “Angie can’t take it anymore.” In fact, the mag points out: “Now, after six years, maybe Angelina Jolie knows how Jennifer Aniston felt.” Ugh. Brad is “laying down the law” and insisting that Angelina “chill out,” but she’s suspicious because she “always hooked up on set.” Also inside: Kim Kardashian has allegedly picked her wedding dress. Actually, Vera Wang has made her three different dresses. We kind of hope she wears them all at the same time. Layers! Insiders claim Kim’s gown is strapless with a cascading train and intricate decorations on the bodice because “she wanted something different and unique.” Except that sounds like every single wedding dress you have ever seen. Lastly, in JLo and Marc news, they split because he had a wandering eye and he’s been spending time with his ex-wife, Dayanara Torres (possibly because they have two kids together). Meh.
Grade: F (derailed freight train)

In Touch
“I’m Terrified Of Being Poor.”
Okay. So Teresa from RHONJ has been teased by her castmates ever since her husband’s company filed for bankruptcy, but now Teresa and Joe have a new motto: “It’s isn’t about how much money you make, it’s about how much you save.” Pro. Found. Meanwhile, Teresa is “terrified of being poor” and “trying to build an empire,” and the bricks of that empire are a cookbook, her own cocktail and a line of cosmetics. Next: Kourtney Kardashian got an “instant butt lift” by wearing heels. Unfortunately, she was also wearing a hideous yellow jumpsuit made from Von Trapp family curtains (See Fig. 1). Brad and Angelina are fighting over Shiloh, and it’s all Brad’s mom’s fault. Grandma Jane thinks Shiloh is wild and rebellious and she blames Angelina for that, of course. Apparently Shiloh has been “forgotten,” because the twins are always being carried. Plus, Shiloh has asked Angelina to stop traveling, and Jane agrees. Brad is torn, sniffle. Marc Anthony’s huge mistake in his marriage was trying to turn Jennifer Lopez into a traditional housewife. Marc thinks the man should be the breadwinner — and he has “an unpredictable and crazy temper.” We’ll take Latino stereotypes for $500, Alex! The lady from The Bachelorette has allegedly chosen the man who will propose to her, and it’s J.P. But. He will never marry her, according to sources, because she is insecure. He likes peppy, confident girls, and once she shows who she really is he’ll go back to dating “carefree NYC ladies.” Kim Kardashian is on a “crash wedding diet.” She is “panicking” because she used to be “way fitter” and she “looks chunky beside Kris.” That’s her fiancé Kris, not her mom Kris. Apparently, after seeing Kate Middleton “and her skinny sister Pippa,” Kim will not settle for anything but a size 2 body on her wedding day. Not only is she working out at home and in the gym with Tracy Anderson and Gunnar Peterson, she’s going on a 10-day juice fast. Sounds like she’ll be spending a lot of time in the loo. Sexy.
Grade: D- (runaway sooty coal mine cart)

Life & Style
“Secrets Of The Proposal.”
Ashley from The Bachelorette was in Fiji and SOMEONE proposed, but even though JP is on the cover, the story inside is very vague about who the “soulmate” is. But she got a 3.5 carat ring and she is back in dental school, where one can only hope she doesn’t drop the rock down a patient’s throat while examining his molars. Anyway, Ashley is ready to move to where her man lives. What else? Maci from Teen Mom is “thinking about” not having her son Bentley grow up on TV. Just thinking. No decisions have been made. Amber is in rehab, but thinks her ex, Gary, is using their daughter to make money — he started a Twitter account in the kid’s name. Did you know that Gary has a line of T-shirts called GARY TIME? Yes. Gary Time. In JLo news, there was a third wheel in the Jennifer Lopez/Marc Anthony relationship, and that wheel was her career. Dun dun dun. Oh, and Marc had Benny Medina fired when he and Jen first got together — Marc hated another man controlling his woman’s life; that’s his job. But Jennifer rehired Benny recently, which made Marc furious. Also: Jennifer Lopez’s mom says Jennifer Lopez is in love with love and jumps into relationships too quickly. We skipped the story about Elin Nordegren finding love with a dude who probably slept with Rachel Uchitel. On purpose. URGENT ROAD TRIP ALERT: Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper are renting a home together in Schenectady, New York, so clearly we need to be driving aimlessly around that town. Olivia Wilde will play Linda Lovelace in a movie about the porn star, and James Franco and Justin Timberlake are also being considered for roles. Jennifer Aniston took Justin Theroux to meet her dad for lunch at a steakhouse in L.A. They ate lobster, they drank wine, they had a great time. Breaking: “Shiloh Loses Another Tooth.” Shiloh thinks her smile is “cool” now because she looks like a pirate. Last: Kendra and Hank are waiting to have another baby — first they need one more hot photo together in which Kendra is wearing a sexy dress.
Grade: D (clogged steam engine)

Us
“Her Side Of The Story.”
You may think that this is an interview with Jennifer Lopez. You’d be wrong! Just a collection of quotes from “sources” and “insiders.” We learn that Marc Anthony had raging jealousy issues and an insatiable need to meddle in JLo’s business and wardrobe. Even though he was always making horrible business decisions, Marc forced Jen to go along with them — the terrible movie El Cantante, for instance. Also, he gave Jennifer awful suggestions for her clothing line. He even went with her to photo shoots and said which photos could be used and which could not. Marc could not stand JLo working around men who were remotely attractive — unless he was supervising — and he accused Jenny From The Block of being unfaithful, but he was the one who, in 2009, hooked up with a flight attendant he met on a private plane. Jennifer was fed up with Marc’s bad money management skills — and had to pay off the $2.5 million he owed in back taxes. Plus: He smoked, which she hated. The arguing had gotten so bad that he was living at the Hilton in LA, a few miles from home. Forty years from now this will be a gripping movie of the week. Next, here’s a picture of Sarah Ramirez from Grey’s Anatomy being proposed to in Paris. (See Fig. 2). 50 Cent and his girlfriend Daphne Joy have broken up. Jenna Dewan and Channing Tatum have celebrated their 2nd wedding anniversary. Finally: Does natural childbirth hurt? Here’s where different celebs fall on a scale of ecstasy to agony (See Fig. 3).
Grade: D+ (brakeless bullet train)

Star
“Plastic Surgery Confessions.”
Here we have 11 pages of random famous and semi-famous people and their creepy surgery faces or “botched boob jobs.” Victims include Heidi Montag, Lisa Rinna, Courteney Cox, Omarosa, Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed. Priscilla Caputo, we don’t know who you are, but you are terrifying. (See Fig. 4) Moving on: “Britney Is A Pig” is about the lawsuit her bodyguard filed alleging unwanted sexual harassment and other grossness. Bad personal hygiene, etc. Next: Someone named Morgain McGovern talks about her drug and booze-fueled adventures with Chelsea Handler. Ecstasy! Cocaine! Drinking! Kirstie Alley doesn’t want to have plastic surgery, but she feels like she must, because she lost all that weight and things need… tightening. Julianne Hough has been hanging out with her Rock of Ages costar Diego Boneta, and Ryan Seacrest “blew a gasket” when he saw pictures of them splashing by the pool in Miami. Avril and Brody are having “tough times” in their relationship because he feels like she treats him like a doormat. Lindsay Lohan is maybe dating Spencer Falls, who is part of “Sparah,” that fake celeb couple cooked up by Virgin Mobile. Leo and Blake had dinner to talk about their relationship. He drank so much that she told him to slow down. Blake was mad because Leo took his mom to his friend’s wedding instead of her, and he was mad that she didn’t make a good impression on his mom when they met. In JLo and Marc news, she wanted to leave the marriage as early as Christmas of last year. His jealousy, their unequal fame, and his partying with his trainsets led to sexless nights. See, Marc Anthony has model trains in one room of the house, and he would go up there and close the door and “party,” whatever that means. Cough. Ahem. Marc was also jealous of JLo’s relationship with superfun old person Steven Tyler. We bet Steven Tyler doesn’t play with trains. Or if he does, they are kick-ass rock trains, and anyone can join him.
Grade: C- (subway stuck in tunnel)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from Us

Fig. 3, from Us

Fig. 4, from Star