Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman and I attempt to frolic through the fields of the celebrity tabloids. This week, the Kardashians have issues, Jessica Simpson is happy yet destroyed, and Jennifer Aniston’s body needs an explanatory essay. Are you ready for this?
Ok!
“IT’S A GIRL!”
Let’s start this off by saying “it” is not a girl, because there is no “it.” Following an outing during which Kourtney worse a LOOSE WHITE TOP over SHORTS, some have speculated that she and Scott “American Psycho” Disick might be “preparing” to “welcome another baby.” It would be nice if it were a girl, says a source. Kourtney loves girls. Also: “She loves being pregnant, it just kind of suits her.” Oooookay. Moving on: Amanda Bynes has been transferred to a bigger psychiatric facility with more staff. An insider reports it’s because she’s constantly trying to leave the building, so she needs more supervision. Elsewhere in the mag, the editors have concocted a “best man battle” between George Clooney and Doug Pitt, Brad’s brother. George has been bribing Brad with his Lake Como villa, whereas Doug has been bribing him with his strong Midwestern family values and ethics. Don’t discount the “dark horse candidate,” though, OK! warns: 12 year old Maddox could do it. Oh, God, how will we all live with the suspense? In a heartwarming tale of romance and passion, Tom Cruise has “fallen” for Jessica White, a model and fellow Scientologist. “Fallen for” might be Scientologist code for “auditioned as a girlfriend candidate and compensated financially.” Awwww. Another tale of love: Simon Cowell’s mom is pressuring him to marry Lauren Silverman, his pregnant girlfriend. The v-neck-clad professional television bully won’t be swayed, though — apparently, he’s been spotted cavorting about with two separate ex-girlfriends. Sad face.
Grade: F (minefield)
Life & Style
“BABY JOY & DRAMA!”
In which the magazine inserts fabricated “baby drama” into three celebrity pregnancies: Kris Jenner had a meltdown about her ratings and forced Kim and Kanye to debut Baby Nori on her talkshow! Kim Zolciak is scared that having twins will be overwhelming! Fergie’s pregnancy has gone really well but… um… might as well be worried anyways, says an ob-gyn who is not Fergie’s ob-gyn. Yawn. In other news, Faith Hill is worried that Taylor Swift will hook up with her husband, Tim McGraw, the magazine inexplicably alleges. Elsewhere on this earth, a terrifying stranger was living in J-Lo’s pool house and masturbating on her lawn for six days. He also did some landscaping to pass the time. He has been taken into police custody. And now let’s check in on some of the most boring and insignificant humans on the planet: “Real” “Housewife” of Miami Joanna Krupa says that her husband won’t have sex with her. What follows is the most painfully awkward exclusive interview ever printed in earnest. Don’t worry, though, guys — the couple is now in sex therapy.
Grade: F (nuclear test site)
In Touch
“2 KARDASHIAN MARRIAGES OVER!”
So rumor has it Lamar Odom is addicted to crack cocaine. That’s the real reason he’s been living in a hotel — Khloe Kardashian kicked him out. This mag claims he cheated on her with at least two different women because he’d be high for days at a time, and Kris Jenner has met with attorney Laura Wasser — who handled Kim’s divorce from Kris Dummy-phries — to talk about Khloe and Lamar’s possible split. Meanwhile, Kris’s “loveless marriage” to Bruce Jenner is “over,” and the evidence is that she wore black gloves to Kylie’s birthday party so no one would notice she wasn’t wearing her enormous ring. Blah, finger-news is so boring. Moving on: Cameron Diaz was seen having an “intimate dinner” with Jason Segel in the Hamptons, which means it’s on. Shocker: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux looked “relaxed” and “happy” while in Los Cabos, as if there is some other way to be while on vacation in Mexico. The Jessica Simpson headline is “THIS BABY DESTROYED MY BODY,” as though a rogue infant attacked her with a chainsaw. The copy points out that she seems “self-conscious about her size.” Hmm, wonder why? In other news, Elizabeth Berkley, Snooki and Jack Osbourne will probably be on the new season of Dancing With The Stars. Jesse Spano says, “I’m so excited!” And finally, some good news: Catelynn and Tyler from Teen Mom have become the legal guardians of Catelynn’s teenage sister Sarah, which should get the kid away from their mother, who struggles with substance abuse. Good luck, guys.
Grade: D- (cold desert)
Star
“DRUGS, LIES, & A LOVE CHILD!”
According to a source, Khloe Kardashian has kicked Lamar Odom out of their house following a failed intervention. Recent reports claim that Lamar has a crack-cocaine addiction and that he’s recently started using heroin; as for the love child, a woman who claims to be Odom’s mistress says that she “wouldn’t be surprised” if Lamar “had a child with another woman” (i.e., there is no love child). In even less factual news, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are “fighting over Scientology.” An “explosive new interview” puts Brad at the Church’s celebrity center… in the early 1990s… twice. The article also helpfully points out that Brad Pitt filmed Interview with a Vampire in 1993 with Tom Cruise. EXPLOSIVE. Next. Paris Jackson is on the road to recovery after her suicide attempt. She apparently wants to be emancipated from the Jacksons, whom she sees as “vultures who only care about money.” Moving on, we have a well-considered and compelling approximately 600-word think piece about “Jen’s NEW CURVES.” What are they doing there? Is there a baby inside of them? Are they “love pounds”? Or is it “just age”? Wow. Really makes you think. (Fig. 1)
Grade: C- (glacier)
Us
“JESSICA’S BABY JOY!”
Jess, Eric, little Maxwell and new baby Ace are all dressed in white for an ACTUAL INTERVIEW and exclusive photo shoot, and though there are lots of details about the C-section and bringing a new kid into the family, the best quote from Jessica reads thusly:
I will never understand why people give pregnant women such a hard time. We are creating a human life: I think we get every excuse in the world to eat a doughnut! It’s very hurtful, especially when you’re so emotional and going through all of these hormonal changes.
Hell yeah. Jessica also says “I felt for Kim [Kardashian] — I knew exactly what she was going through.” Can we end pregnant lady weight persecution now? Also inside: “Girls In Grillz,” because everyone loooooves looking like a black guy who would get stopped and frisked, as long as there’s no threat of actually getting stopped and frisked. (Fig. 2) Jason Segel went to Disneyland with his crush, Bojana Novakovic. Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg are “seriously smitten.” Quick, vaccinate them! Lastly, Khloe kicked Lamar out because of cocaine: “he would be high for three or four days at a time.” Seems stressful.
Grade: B (poppy field)
Addendum
Fig. 1, from Star
Fig. 2, from Us