This Week in Tabloids: Jen Aniston's Body Requires 600-Word Explainer

“2 KARDASHIAN MARRIAGES OVER!”

So rumor has it Lamar Odom is addicted to crack cocaine. That’s the real reason he’s been living in a hotel — Khloe Kardashian kicked him out. This mag claims he cheated on her with at least two different women because he’d be high for days at a time, and Kris Jenner has met with attorney Laura Wasser — who handled Kim’s divorce from Kris Dummy-phries — to talk about Khloe and Lamar’s possible split. Meanwhile, Kris’s “loveless marriage” to Bruce Jenner is “over,” and the evidence is that she wore black gloves to Kylie’s birthday party so no one would notice she wasn’t wearing her enormous ring. Blah, finger-news is so boring. Moving on: Cameron Diaz was seen having an “intimate dinner” with Jason Segel in the Hamptons, which means it’s on. Shocker: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux looked “relaxed” and “happy” while in Los Cabos, as if there is some other way to be while on vacation in Mexico. The Jessica Simpson headline is “THIS BABY DESTROYED MY BODY,” as though a rogue infant attacked her with a chainsaw. The copy points out that she seems “self-conscious about her size.” Hmm, wonder why? In other news, Elizabeth Berkley, Snooki and Jack Osbourne will probably be on the new season of Dancing With The Stars. Jesse Spano says, “I’m so excited!” And finally, some good news: Catelynn and Tyler from Teen Mom have become the legal guardians of Catelynn’s teenage sister Sarah, which should get the kid away from their mother, who struggles with substance abuse. Good luck, guys.

Grade: D- (cold desert)

“DRUGS, LIES, & A LOVE CHILD!”

According to a source, Khloe Kardashian has kicked Lamar Odom out of their house following a failed intervention. Recent reports claim that Lamar has a crack-cocaine addiction and that he’s recently started using heroin; as for the love child, a woman who claims to be Odom’s mistress says that she “wouldn’t be surprised” if Lamar “had a child with another woman” (i.e., there is no love child). In even less factual news, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are “fighting over Scientology.” An “explosive new interview” puts Brad at the Church’s celebrity center… in the early 1990s… twice. The article also helpfully points out that Brad Pitt filmed Interview with a Vampire in 1993 with Tom Cruise. EXPLOSIVE. Next. Paris Jackson is on the road to recovery after her suicide attempt. She apparently wants to be emancipated from the Jacksons, whom she sees as “vultures who only care about money.” Moving on, we have a well-considered and compelling approximately 600-word think piece about “Jen’s NEW CURVES.” What are they doing there? Is there a baby inside of them? Are they “love pounds”? Or is it “just age”? Wow. Really makes you think. (Fig. 1)

Grade: C- (glacier)

“JESSICA’S BABY JOY!”

Jess, Eric, little Maxwell and new baby Ace are all dressed in white for an ACTUAL INTERVIEW and exclusive photo shoot, and though there are lots of details about the C-section and bringing a new kid into the family, the best quote from Jessica reads thusly:

I will never understand why people give pregnant women such a hard time. We are creating a human life: I think we get every excuse in the world to eat a doughnut! It’s very hurtful, especially when you’re so emotional and going through all of these hormonal changes.

Hell yeah. Jessica also says “I felt for Kim [Kardashian] — I knew exactly what she was going through.” Can we end pregnant lady weight persecution now? Also inside: “Girls In Grillz,” because everyone loooooves looking like a black guy who would get stopped and frisked, as long as there’s no threat of actually getting stopped and frisked. (Fig. 2) Jason Segel went to Disneyland with his crush, Bojana Novakovic. Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg are “seriously smitten.” Quick, vaccinate them! Lastly, Khloe kicked Lamar out because of cocaine: “he would be high for three or four days at a time.” Seems stressful.

Grade: B (poppy field)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Star

Fig. 2, from Us