This Week In Tabloids: Mariah's Eating 1200 Calories A Day, Hasn't Weighed Herself Since 1998


Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we put our hands in the candy jars of In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Us and Star and taste the wares, hoping for something sweet. This week, newlywed Kate Moss is having beer and Marlboros for breakfast; Kim Kardashian is so depressed she is starting to krack; and Mariah Carey claims to have lost 30 pounds, some of which came off when the little humans inside her were born. Are you ready? Let’s do this.

“Pregnant & Betrayed.”
Poor Jessica Simpson is knocked up and her fiancé won’t sign a prenup. Apparently Eric Johnson gave her this guilt-trip about how he believes in true love — and she should, too. But dude, if you love her, why not just sign the papers? Anyway. There’s a sidebar on this story called “What Does Eric DO?” which informs us that he is an NFL free agent getting a salary as an unspecified “employee” of the Simpson family. He went to Yale and planned to attend Wharton, but decided not to go after he met Jess. Not saying that he’s using her as a mealticket, but that is what someone trying to use her as a mealticket would do, right? Let’s move on. Selena Gomez found out about Justin Bieber’s paternity suit via Twitter, ouch. Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush had a long, uninterrupted Skype chat about the state her her divorce, since she doesn’t know who to turn to and Reggie makes her feel safe. The mag helpfully points out that Kim “always looked happier” when she was with Reggie. (See Fig. 1) According to a body-language expert, Kim and Reggie were sexually connected and so connected and she adored him. Oh, and Kim plans to keep her 20 carat engagement ring — but turn it into a necklace. As you may have heard, Kate Middleton touched her belt, which makes her pregnant. Lastly! Did you know that when Lindsay Lohan was handcuffed in court on October 19, she was wearing a $9,000 Fendi dress? Yup.
Grade: D- (crumpled candy wrappers)

Life & Style
“Kim’s Plan Backfires.”
Kim is in tears, you guys. She thought she was doing the right thing. She’s shocked by the backlash. She had no idea the public would turn on her. Welcome to America! Where we delight in building people up and then tearing them down. Kim is telling friends, “I can’t believe everyone hates me.” And, according to a source: “She’s depressed. She’s eating whatever she wants and crying in bed. It’s awful.” NO NO NOT EATING OH GOD NO. For some reason, the mag quotes a commenter from The Superficial, who says maybe Kim should just commit suicide. And! Here’s the real sign something is amiss: Kim is considering this the lowest point in her life and doesn’t want to keep filming her show. In other news, Kris Humphries’ dad spoke to the mag, and said, “There was never a discussion about [divorce] — it just came out of nowhere and blindsided Kris… It’s not a nice situation.” The only other interesting thing in this issue is the piece called “Kate Misses Her Old Life,” in which we learn that Duchess Catherine misses clubbing, doing shots and dancing all night. These days, tragically, “she’s hanging out with old people.” Close your eyes and think of England, dear.
Grade: D (old-fashioned ribbon candy)

“Rehab For Kim!”
This will shock you, but Kim Kardashian is not in rehab. Although! She is “emotionally and physically exhausted from the divorce,” and not eating or sleeping and walking around like she is in a daze. A source actually says “she has not turned to alcohol or pills,” but you don’t even have to tell us that because we all know her drug of choice is the warm glow of the unblinking spotlight. A source claims that Kim’s “friends and family think she needs to be in a nurturing environment, surrounded by supportive professionals to nurse her back to health.” Interesting that her own damn family is not considered nurturing! Dr. Drew weighs in, of course, agreeing that KK needs professional help and adding, “I see someone who is having trouble sustaining relationships, and that’s a mental health symptom.” My guess is there are approximately 20 million people who have this condition, it’s called being 30. Anywhoozle, Khloe feels Kim has killed the show and there’s buzz about a Kim/Kris sex tape, and blah blah blah let’s move on. Brad and Angie’s house is “chaos.” The children eat cupcakes for breakfast, yell at their nannies in French, and Pax tried to flush Zahara’s doll down the toilet. In other words, the usual. Kate Middleton has been hanging out with Crown Princess Mary of Denmark, who is a “trashy girl who got lucky and married a royal,” and therefore bad news bears. Justin Timberlake has promised Jessica Biel he will give her an engagement ring within six months. And the ultimate lowlight is the story called “What The Stars Really Weigh,” which consults “weight-loss experts” instead of a scale and critiques the physiques of sixteen women. A sampling: Britney Spears is “a little thick.” Angelina Jolie “needs more muscle tissue.” LeAnn Rimes is “well underweight.” In a shocking twist, Adele is “well-proportioned.” But Lady Gaga is “doughier in the midsection” and Christina Aguilera is “30 lbs. over her symmetrical and proportionate weight.” Katy Perry is “a bit bottom heavy” and Gabourey Sidibe “looks like the type of person who doesn’t exercise and likes to binge eat.” Eh, fuck you.
Grade: D+ (wax bottle candy)

In Touch
“America’s Fakest Family! Destroyed By Greed”
The cover story takes two images — one from 2006 and one from late last year — and positions them side-by-side, so that we can get a good look at how a happy, simple, jeans-and-white-shirt wearing family turned into sexy-face afflicted, elaborately coiffed, couture-clad and Photoshopped “monsters.” (See Fig. 2) Apparently the Kardashians are planning to hold a “series of crisis meetings,” in an attempt to get the fambusiness (famblitzniss?) back on track. From the divorce to the Kardashian Kredit Kard to the Karashian Kollection bags being knock-offs of luxury brands, there’s trouble in K-Kountry. A source blames Kris, saying, “Instead of teaching her kids to be grateful for what they have, Kris trains them to take, take, take.” It’s getting ugly! Let’s move on. Angelina caught Brad looking at pictures of his World War Z costar, Katia Bokor, wearing a black lace bra and panties, so she slapped him across the face. Allegedly! Sixteen-year-old Connor Cruise is “desperate for his dad’s love” and feels that Suri gets way more attention than he ever did — and we’re inclined to agree. Jennifer Hudson is “done” with her fiancé David Otunga, as “they don’t want the same things in life.” Johnny Depp and Rum Diaries costar Amber Heard were “definitely flirting” at the London premiere, and she’s said that she had “really intense” chemistry with him, like with bunsen burners, pipettes, beakers and safety goggles and everything. Jessica Simpson’s dad is “pushing her man away,” calling the unemployed dude a “sperm donor” and insinuating that he’s a freeloader, which actually might be true. The trouble is, Jessica is a daddy’s girl who hates not making Joe Simpson happy, so she might actually ditch plans for a wedding. Britney Spears wants plastic surgery, because her goal is to look 20 when she turns 30. How come no one wants to look 10 when they turn 30? Get braces and chop your boobs off, people! Way more interesting. Kate Moss has gone from “marriage to mess in 118 days.” She was seen in Jamaica, partying till dawn at a beach rave, having breakfast of beer and Marlboros, and falling asleep by the pool while her daughter patted her head. Last, but not least: In Toca is not afraid to ask the tough, soul-searching questions, like: “Gwen Or Kingston: Who’s More Stylish?” (see Fig. 3)
Grade: C (hard butterscotch candy)

“I Got My Body Back.”
It might sound like Mariah Carey had her body snatched by alien zombie thieves, and in a way she did, since she was pregnant with twins. The whole thing — from the pregnancy to the weight loss — sounds like a total nightmare, since Mariah gained “an enormous amount of weight” and developed gestational diabetes but now wears size 6 shorts. And as we all know, a woman’s value goes up when her waistline goes down. Anyway, MC is now the brand ambassador for Jenny (formerly known as Jenny Craig), so this cover story is a thinly veiled advertisement for their calorie-restrictive diet plan. Mariah had twins in April and has allegedly lost 30 pounds, and since she was carrying 2 six-pound fetuses, half of that was through the birthing process, it seems. But then again, we don’t even really know how much she lost, because she says, “The last time I weighed myself was 1998!” Still, she started with a 1500 calorie a day menu and thrice-weekly workouts, and is now on 1200 calories a day. She says: “At the beginning, I was breast-feeding, so I actually had to eat more than I naturally would. It was frustrating.” Nourishing children: A pain! You know what else hurts? Working out. But “It’s been easier to tone [my arms] because my tolerance for pain has been greater,” she spills. Somehow you just get the impression that being pregnant was awful and then post-partum weight loss was awful and that there’s no joy in any of it, only duty (doodie?). Plus! Mimi is not happy with her current weight! “I think I looked my best in [the 2008] ‘Touch My Body’ , so that’s my goal now.” Sigh. Why is it that humans are nostalgic and long for what once was? There is no rewind, only forward. Moving on. A message from Patti Stanger: “I’m the world’s best girlfriend: totally sweet and submissive.” And: “I used to practice Wicca.” Kim Kardashian has promised Kris Humphries she will not vilify him in the media or in a “vengeful reedit” of their show, Kourtney & Kim Take New York. Sources around Justin Bieber highly doubt that he had sex with a fan in a bathroom after his show at the Staples Center, since that show was filmed for his documentary — he was constantly surrounded by cameras and had a mic pack and audio crew following his every move. Finally: “Gaga’s Holiday Gifts” include a teacup and McQueen-esque press-on nails. You know you want ’em. (See Fig. 3)
Grade: B (candy bling)


Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from Us

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