This Week in Tabloids: Normals Who Dated A-Listers Spill Sex Secrets

By Dodai Stewart | July 30, 2014 | 7:50pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman heads to the newsstand and picks up the latest issues of Ok!, Star, In Touch, Life & Style and Us so that together we may worship at the altar of Tabloid. This week: Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello continue to be hotter than the hinges of Hell; Jen Garner is going to stop Ben Affleck from gambling by giving birth for a fourth time; and Ryan Gosling cried after sex.

Star

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I DATED AN A-LISTER!

Star has interviewed several normals who dated A-listers, resulting in some glorious, most certainly fake anecdotes. Some highlights: a guy who went out to dinner with Selena Gomez says she started weeping because the restaurant reminded her of an ex (i.e., BIEBER), and so great was the deluge of her tears that she got mascara “on her arms, fingers and even on her fork.” Even on her fork. Also: man who “dated” Jennifer Aniston when she was 12 says they made out behind the bleachers in 1981. And this sentence about Taylor Swift occurred: “The country cutie has scared away a bevy of Hollywood’s hottest hunks, thanks to a personality that is both superneedy and boring.” We are then informed that she spent an entire date talking about her cat. Other beautiful tales: Ryan Gosling cries a little after sex because he gets emotional sometimes. A lover of Jared Leto’s said that he refused to break character while preparing for Alexander and used a Macedonian accent during sex. Great stuff, Star. In other news, Selena Gomez is in love with another bad boy (pictured riding a jet ski, the most rebellious of watercrafts) who is going to break her heart because he is an Italian heartthrob, plus eh once went to dinner with Lindsay Lohan and also dated Vanessa from Gossip Girl. Uh oh!!!!! Elsewhere in the mag, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello have a “special bond” because Joe had substance abuse issues and so does Sofia’s brother, which means that he has “a unique insight into the dark cloud over Sofia’s family.” Um, ok! Sure! Whatever! Moving on: Bachelorette winner Josh has “dark side”: specifically, he had an altercation with the police in 2008 when he was drunk and rowdy with friends outside of a CVS; the group then moved to a Starbucks exterior, where they were similarly drunk and rowdy. His associates were taken into custody but Josh was not, because he pleaded with the police officer and then returned 10 minutes later with his mom. His dark side is that he was a sad, whiny nerd who loitered drunk outside of Starbucks in 2008, it seems. Watch out, Andi.

GRADE: D (setting up an altar devoted to Baby Goose)

In Touch

BACK TO REHAB

Selena Gomez’s partying antics are getting the tabloids all worried again. She is “partying every day,” say sources, drinking and using “drugs including marijuana, ecstasy/Molly and more.” By “more,” I’m not really sure what’s meant — quoth a source, “At another party, she was taking swigs of vodka, and as people were rolling and smoking joints, she poured a gray powder into hers… I said, ‘Selena, what are you doing? You’re going to ruin everything!’ She smoked it anyway.” So, uh, apparently there is a mysterious grey drug that kids are smoking in joint form these days. Likely, it’s the ashes of their former innocence. Of note: This cover uses an Instagram photo. In other news, the “obsessive scrutiny of Jessica Simpson’s weight” news cycle has veered towards “DANGEROUSLY THIN” for, like, the hundredth time. An “expert” estimates that she is 99 pounds, which is not her “target weight,” but Jessica Simpson doesn’t care because she “never wants to be made fun for for her weight again,” says In Touch. Huh, wonder why that is? Moving on: Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey, two very busy humans, haven’t stepped out in public to reassure us that their love is alive, meaning their marriage is On The Rocks. UH-OH! Plus, they did not have a lavish vow-renewing ceremony this year, opting instead to throw their kids a birthday party, meaning that their marriage is in shambles, we bet. Ooookay. Elsewhere in the mag, we’re treated to a side-by-side comparison of advice Virtual Kim Kardashian gives you in her mobile game vs. stuff Real Kim Kardashian did IRL. (Fig. 1) They don’t match up! The game in which you can fly from LAX to Las Vegas for $15 in order to pluck wads of cash of the floor is NOT REALISTIC. On the subject of the Kardashians, everyone is worried about Rob (except for Kim, who is selfish, and Kendall and Kylie, who are too busy being attention-hungry teens.) Kay.

GRADE: F (taking ayahuasca while a drum circle does Selena Gomez hits)

Life & Style

DUMPED ON HER WEDDING DAY

Jennifer Aniston was dumped on her wedding day (this story is the result of tabloids getting bored of making up that Jennifer was regular-dumped and needing to add some flair). Apparently, she and Justin Theroux were set to get married in Cabo but he never showed up because they got into a fight about whether or not they should reproduce, plus is New York better or is LA better and oh god this is so boring. Moving on: French Montana wants to propose to Khloe Kardashian since they’ve been dating all of five months, but she is like, “Nah, this is just a fling.” Okay then. Elsewhere in the magazine, the Crowning Achievement of Tabloid Garbage: a figure illustrating what various celebrities’ knees resemble (Gwyneth Paltrow’s knee is suuuuuch a Prince George!) (Fig. 2). In other news, a battle of unprecedented historical significance recently raged over in the UK: where should the Royal Baby have his Peter Rabbit-themed fete? The queen demanded that it be held in a castle in Scotland, but down-to-earth Kate Middleton said it should be held in a castle in London instead. A London-castle for the party! Just like a normal baby! Next: Bachelorette Andi Dorfman and Bachelorette winner Josh Murray are running into trouble already because he is jealous and also because they live in the same city. That means that they have to spend time together while simultaneously being engaged, which is a tough obstacle to surmount on the road to everlasting love. Best of luck, you two.

GRADE: F (calling the four corners using the names Rachel, Ross, Monica and Chandler)

Ok!

JEN’S PREGNANT!

Jennifer Garner was spotted with what the mag is calling “a noticeable bump” and Ben Affleck is “ready for baby number four.” Little-known fact: the way a man shows you he’s ready for a yet another newborn infant in the house is by staying out late in casinos and gambling away that infant’s college tuition. A source claims that Jen “knows another pregnancy is the only surefire way to get Ben to refocus on their relationship.” Eesh. Also, it should be pointed out that the “noticeable bump” looks like “internal organs” and not necessarily pregnancy, but whatever. Also inside: “Leo’s Belly Woes” is about how Leonardo DiCaprio has “grown a little pot belly” and is so self-conscious he’s started wearing T-shirts to bed with his girlfriend. A source makes the cutting remark: “this is the biggest Leo has ever been.” Worry about your own life, source. In other body-shaming-is-not-just-for-women news, Cameron Diaz has Benji Madden on a diet, watching “every morsel” he eats. A source says “Benji’s whipped, so he’s doing what he can to please Cameron.” Okay, sure. Finally, a two-page spread called “Plastic Surgery That Works” (Fig. 3) praises Ashlee Simpson’s nose job; Bradley Cooper’s chin implant; Kylie Jenner’s rhinoplasty, lip fillers and face micro-lipo; Scarlett Johanson’s nose job; Kate Hudson’s “small but effective” breast implants; Jennifer Aniston’s schnoz and boob surgeries, Gisele Bündchen’s nose job and new breasts; and Blake Lively’s nasal bone shaving. Good work, everyone.

GRADE: D- (self-flagellation using whips made from DVDs of Gigli)

NO STRINGS ROMANCE

Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello are “basking in a summer fling,” and the magazine asks, “so what if it ends by Labor Day?” Way harsh, Tai. But the details here are hilarious: Apparently one evening when Joe was due to come-a-calling, Sofia raced around her $10.6 million mansion laughing as she took down all the pictures of her ex — right before Joe rang the doorbell. A source says he is a gentleman and is with her every night and is totally smitten and cooks for her, and it all sounds hotter than the surface of the sun. Of course, in the morning, “they both take forever to get ready,” so there’s a bathroom mirror situation, but in general, she has him “wrapped around her finger” and we can only assume that if Los Angeles spontaneously combusts it’s because their sex is explosive. Also inside: J.Lo and Dancing With The Stars slab o’beef Maksim Chmerkovsky were seen kissing and touching at her 45th birthday party. Nina Dobrev of The Vampire Diaries and Orlando Bloom were seen grinding on the dancefloor in San Diego during ComicCon and “making out for 20 minutes” and you know what, the dude has a type. Finally, “Headed For Breakup” is about how Jay Z and Beyoncé may have seemed all smiles during dinner at a steakhouse in Chicago last week, but “they are 100% having problems” and “know how to make it look like everything is fine on the outside.” An insider says: “She is done.” Done!

GRADE: B (naked bonfire ritual)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from Ok!