This Week In Tabloids: Ryan & Sandy Plan Barefoot Barbecue Wedding


Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we dig through the dirt for truffles of truth in In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Jennifer Aniston’s new boyfriend is totally going to beat up Brad Pitt behind the school at 3 o’clock; Suri Cruise’s lipstick is one step on a slippery slope into teen drug addiction; and Ryan Reynolds might be dating Olivia Wilde, but that won’t keep him from getting hitched to Sandra Bullock and serving jambalaya at their down-home barbecue wedding. Let’s do this.

“I’ve Been Living A Lie!”
Hey so remember last week when Brad Pitt said that when he was younger, he was a boring slacker stoner? And that his marriage “had something to do with it,” because he was “trying to pretend the marriage was something it wasn’t”? Well that’s the cover story here. Nothing more to add. In other news, George Clooney likes Stacy Keibler because she is great in social settings and isn’t clingy. Are Kim Kardashian and Kris Humprhies headed for an annulment? In a word, no. But Kris finds married life hard, because they have no privacy. Also, he cannot get over how long Kim takes to get her hair and makeup done. But, a source says, “They talked it over and realized that her getting primped is as important for her job as basketball practice is for his career.” Christ. Last, but not least, there’s a story here called “Top 10 Stars In Need Of A Cupcake,” because concern trolls are concerned.
Grade: F (foot fungus)

Life & Style
“Trapped In Tom And Katie’s Warped World”
This story is called “Little Girl Lost,” just like the Drew Barrymore book, because clearly Suri is two or three days away from snorting an eight ball in a hot tub with Charlie Sheen. The opening paragraph is so epic:

Wearing a Philip Lim miniskirt, dark-red lipstick and an angsty glare, Suri Cruise looked just like any other rebellious, Gossip Girl-loving teen skpping school… Except Suri is only 5 — and she was missing her second day of kindergarten to attend Fashion Week in New York. Instead of learning to count to 50 or print upper-case letters, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter was lost in a parade of flashbulbs, skinny models and expensive couture.

You see, guys, poor innocent Suri is “suffering” by having treats for breakfast, private ballet lessons and a $2 million wardrobe. The horror! Next: “Is LeAnn Anorexic?” A doctor who does not treat her says “maybe.” She wore a Hervé Léger bandage dress and it hung off of her, plus, she has fine hair on her arms, which could be the peach fuzz anorexics get. Alas, since the doctor has never met his patient, this diagnosis is invalid. Next, Pippa is moving in with Kate Middleton; the sisters will live together in London’s Kensington palace while Prince William is away in Wales. If only this were a BBC drama! A cross between Downton Abbey and Three’s Company. Sisters, roommates, royalty! Scarlett Johansson is “desperate for love,” so she’s been hanging out with Kieran Culkin, Justin Timberlake and Bradley Cooper. So the mag claims “Her Life’s Spun Out Of Control.” Lastly, if your last name is Kardashian, you are contractually obligated to wear a leopard-print jumpsuit. (see Fig. 1)
Grade: D (button mushroom)

In Touch
“Jen’s Man Threatens Brad!”
Brad Pitt insinuated that Jennifer Aniston is boring, and Justin Theroux did not like that one bit. “He was furious, and sent him a warning through a friend,” says a source. Brad and Justin have mutual friends, you see. Justin told the guy to tell Brad to “keep his mouth shut about his life with Jen.” Then the bell rang, and it was time for lunch, and Jen realized she hadn’t done her homework, so she copied Justin’s and after, he gave her his pin to wear, because it was junior high. In this piece, Angelina is described as Jen’s “archenemy,” which means she has a secret lair and minions we don’t know about. Also, a source claims that Angelina “thinks Jen is dull and lives a limited life.” Why, because she goes on vacation to the same place every year and wears the same bikini? Next: If Demi Moore had (another) boob job, is that a “shocker”? (See Fig. 2) Jessica Biel is a “fool for love.” She can’t resist Justin Timberlake, even though he is a dirty dog who carouses around town sniffing ass. Sandra Bullock “can’t commit” to Ryan Reynolds, so even though he is living with her, he is “actively pursuing” Olivia Wilde. On the list of stars who are “Single & Skinny”: All of them. Just kidding. Kate Bosworth still has to work with her ex, Alexander Skarsgard, which prevents her from eating. Elisabetta is “getting revenge” on George Clooney by showing up to Dancing With The Stars without an ounce of fat. ScarJo is thin because “she’s sad to be solo.” That’s right, these women are not thin because Hollywood demands it or because they fear showing up on the “worst beach body” issue, but because they don’t have men. Last, but certainly not least, “Gaga’s Go-To Guy” is amazing and deserves a raise. (See Fig. 3)
Grade: D+ (black trumpet mushroom)

“Jen Demands An Apology”
Didja hear? Brad “slammed” Jen. She was “annoyed,” says a source. “She thought it was rude and inaapropriate for him to say.” And! “Her agent and publicists went ballistic” Within 24 hours, Brad issued a contrite statement, insisting Jen was “an incredibly giving, loving and hilarious woman.” Yet, secretly, Brad and Angie make fun of Jen, because she buys tabloids and reads them cover to cover. Meanwhile! All is well with J’Anthrax/J’ethroux/Justifer. He dotes on her, bringing home lunch and taking her out for Italian food. Moving on: 91% of Us readers believe Suri Cruise is too young to wear lipstick (See Fig. 4) Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel went out dancing in New York recently, but just three days earlier, JT was out with ScarJo, and they stayed out until 5:30 — and then went for pizza. A source says, “He wants both worlds. The solid girlfriend but also to play around.” Apparently ScarJo and JT have hooked up several times over the years, and when it comes to Biel, JT “has a very hard time staying faithful. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.” In which cake is a metaphor for pussy. In any case, JT should know that what goes around goes around goes around comes all the way back around. Next: Ryan Reynolds and Olivia Wilde went on a date. Someone at the restaurant spills: “She had minestrone, and they both had greens.” AND OMG: “He briefly put his arm around her, and she seemed to like it.” SLUT! Lastly, Jennifer Lopez has a brilliant team spinning her “dating life” news. Remember how she went out with Bradley Cooper and he thought it was just for work until he realized it was a set up being leaked to the gossip rags? Well now, a “source” who is definitely not JLo’s rep says that when Bradley and Jennifer got together, “They were definitely on a date, but there wasn’t a huge amount of chemistry there.” Yes, the man has dazzling eyes and a fluidity in French, but that’s not enough for Jenny from the block.
Grade: C- (huitlacoche)

“Texas Wedding!”
Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock are getting married, y’all. It will be an “intimate, down-home Texas wedding.” Plans have been in the works ever since mid-August, when Ryan told her he was ready to tie the knot when she was. After she saw him bond with baby Louis, she knew he was the one! They will have a “low-key, barefoot wedding,” and even though we don’t even know if this is true, we know the menu: barbecue, shrimp and grits, jambalaya, grilled Texas quail and local veggies. Louis can walk now, so obviously he’s the best man. And this time, “Sandra really knows she’s marrying her soulmate.” (Isn’t her soulmate dating Olivia Wilde?) Anway, they look super happy in the 2 completely different photographs grafted together to make this cover. Moving on: Pippa is moving in with Kate Middleton to act as a lady-in-waiting for her sister while she is pregnant. (Don’t forget, Star still believes KMid is carrying twins.) Taylor Armstrong, a “real” housewife of Beverly Hills, drinks too much, and her friends want to organize an intervention. “Since Russell’s suicide, it’s gotten worse,” an insider claims. Your boyfriend Ryan Gosling has a secret DUI arrest from 2005, which is not a secret if he served two years of probation and paid a fine. Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have “grown apart.” She’s spent a couple of nights at her mom’s house, something people never do unless their marriage is in trouble, and she is focusing on her wedding dress line. Last: Leonardo DiCaprio is planning on proposing to Blake Lively because “he’s finally ready to take himself off the market.”
Grade: C (portobello mushroom)


Fig. 1, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from Us

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