Tiger Woods Re-Proposes to Ex-Wife Elin Nordegren with $200 Million Prenup Because OH, SURE, WHY NOT

By Lindy West | January 18, 2013 | 1:00am

Celebrities Dirt Bag

Well, this can only go well. I mean, the only thing Tiger Woods is better at than golf is fucking up marriages to Elin Nordegren. So why not give it another go-round, eh? You could go two for two! Win a fine blazer! For the wedding theme, they’re wavering between “Best Idea-Havers in Sports History,” “Fucking That Ass That I Own,” and “lolololololololooololllololooloollol.” The bridesmaids will wear matching dresses in golden-showering-upon-a-porn-star-yellow. Best wishes to the blushing lovebirds.

The shamed sportsman, who was exposed for his serial cheating behind Elin’s back in 2009, is desperate to win her back, the magazine claims, offered a $200 million prenup to the stunning Swede.

And she is said to be considering the proposal, but only if he includes a $350 million anti-cheating clause.
Elin, 33, who had children Samantha, five, and three-year-old Charlie with the ace, won a $110 million settlement when she divorced Woods.

Now she is said to feel the new deal, worth more than half of Woods’ $600 million, would be enough to keep him from cheating again.

Officiating the ceremony will be the Honorable Justice Lineworth “Liney” Linemouth. [FoxNews]

Most Popular

Michelle Williams (the automobills one, not one who just moved to Capeside from the big city because she was growing up too fast) opened up about her struggles with depression:

“I’ve dealt with depression,” the 32-year-old said, “I had to choose to get out of bed and do whatever I needed to do to be happy.

“We’re taught, ‘Just go to church and pray about it. The Lord is going to heal you.’ Well, in the meantime, I believe God-gifted people, physicians, doctors, therapists-that’s your healing. Take advantage of it,” she said. “Go see a professional so that they can assess you. It’s OK if you’re going through something. Depression is not OK, but it is OK to go get help.”

I just realized that I heart 100% of famous Michelle Williamses. Statistics. [E!]

Emma Stone says she has trouble not being funny, and gushes about her feelings for Charlie Chaplin:

“In real life, sometimes it’s uncomfortable for me not to go for the joke,” said Stone. “I’ve been looking at that in myself lately. Often, joking for me is a way of diffusing the awkwardness of a situation, so it’s kind of exhilarating to be a part of projects where there’s nothing funny or lighthearted.”

Stone also talked about what movie makes her cry. “The end of ‘City Lights’ makes me cry every time I see it — when Charlie Chaplin walks by the shop window and the once blind girl brings him a flower and pins it to his lapel. She’s always thought that he was a millionaire, but he was really a tramp. She feels his hand and says, ‘You?’ And he nods. He says, ‘You can see now?’ And she says, ‘Yes, I can see now.’ They cut back to his face, and he lights up like you’ve never seen. That last line, ‘Yes, I can see now,’ has so many meanings. It’s echoed in every great romantic movie since then and in every great moment of life. “

That is a good scene. I will allow it. But FYI if you come up here going all, “My favorite comedian of all time is Harpo Marx,” or whatever, we’re having a talk. [Extra]

David Letterman to Kim Kardashian: “You’re Married To Two Guys Right?” [Radar]
Sharon Osbourne set her house on fire. [NYP]
Mel Gibson‘s ex-wife Oksana Grigorieva says she got screwed over by her lawyers in the divorce. [TMZ]
Zac Efron got his picture taken with a bunch of dildos, then freaked out because he didn’t want his young fans to see. I find this entire story adorable. [NYP]
Do you have $12 million? Then you can buy this house that both Debra Messing AND Renee Zellweger have pooped in. [E!]
I can’t get this Terry Richardson-helmed video of Beyonce to load on my computer—probably because the tiny mice that make the computer work are too busy masturbating. Wait, back up. Mousterbating. [TheLifeFiles]
E! would like Mindy Kaling to give it her “colorful coats” from the Mindy Project, because apparently it forgot that WEBSITES CAN’T WEAR CLOTHES. [E!]
Do you care how celebrities are reacting to the Manti Te’o hoax on Twitter? I…don’t. [Us]
Here’s Zooey Deschanel looking cute next to a cat! [E!]
Ssssshhhhh. Just, ssssssshhhhhhh. [Ssshhh]