Welcome Back to The Dance Floor, Mr. Rigsby

Welcome back to Cody-Watch, wherein Jezebel’s Peloton aficionados with a penchant for self-torture watch Dancing With the Stars for a glimpse of the exercise bike company’s shiniest and best-coiffed boy, Cody Rigsby. After recovering from a bout of breakthrough covid, both Rigsby and his partner, Cheryl Burke are back to kick off Disney Week— a two-part extravaganza featuring both heroes and villains, questionable ‘stumes, bad makeup, and yeah, oh yes, of course, la danse.

In a break from the norm, the Godly hand of Disney was heavy on this week’s episode, providing a fuckton of magic and even turning one of the contestants blue, which feels like something that should have been avoided! Since this is a two-parter this week, there was no elimination on Monday, but there was the Mickey Dance Challenge wherein couples had to do a lil’ Mickey shuffle in the middle of their routines and make it look like it wasn’t something put together by a cartoon rat. The winners of the challenge (we’ll get to them later) were awarded two bonus points from the judges to give them a leaderboard boost. Let’s get into these bippity boppities.

Welcome Back, Cody

Megan: Letting Cody do a little solo before dragging Cheryl Burke out of the wings is proof to me that the DWTS producers recognize talent when they see it. Though it’s rude to make Cody’s hairdo… that… I gotta say, he’s a good little dancer, and even when he isn’t, his enthusiasm sells it. Glad they’re both feeling better. 8/10

Shannon: A Goofy Movie is one of the most under-appreciated Disney films to ever grace the shelves of a VHS store, so I was glad to see Cody paying proper homage. I just wish he would loosen his upper body a bit and really get into these numbers. 7/10

JoJo Siwa Can Do No Wrong

Megan: Listen, I have said from the start that JoJo Siwa is going to win this entire thing, because Abby Lee Miller teaches winners, and this week was no exception. What I know about the Viennese Waltz is gleaned from repeat viewings of So You Think You Can Dance, but my understanding is that it is a delicate dance, judged on footwork and grace. Putting Ms. Siwa in the little pantsuit makes sense because a Viennese waltz with two women in ball gowns is likely too much swirling chiffon, and also, ABC would like to remind you that JoJo Siwa is a lesbian. Anyway! She killed it. 10/10

Shannon: I really thought that these two were going to win the Mickey challenge, and I was shocked when they did not, because they blended it in so seamlessly with their routine. I think that Tyra and JoJo went a little too heavy-handed on their banter when it came to JoJo playing a prince. Other than that, this was a flawless performance that earned them the first 9s of the season. But from the dance judges at Jezebel, that number simply isn’t high enough. 11/10

Melanie C

Megan: Bold choice by the DWTS producers to select this song from Mary Poppins instead of the obvious choice, “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”, but the choice to make the Spice Girl do this is less so. Still! She did what she could with what she was given. A lot of big musical theater enthusiasm, buckets of energy, and a passing resemblance to Mary Poppins helps immensely. Good job, Spice gal, and next time, I’d like to see an interpretive jazz routine set to this unheralded banger, thanks! 3/10 (for Melanie C being British)

Shannon: I have really been enjoying Mel C’s work but I must say there was not enough chim chimney in this che-roo. It was sloppy from start to finish, but I place some of that blame on the poor camera blocking used for this one that made it more difficult to watch. I also think it’s some sort of -ism that they gave the British lady the British musical, but I’m not sure which one. 2/10

MAKE A MAN OUT OF US, JIMMIE ALLEN

Megan: The paso doble is boring, the sort of dance I imagine is exciting for uh, ballroom-heads, but otherwise unremarkable for the average viewer. Making Jimmie Allen do the paso doble to one of the best songs from Mulan? Not boring! I find it endearing when the stars I like sing along to their music. He’s got energy! He’s giving it his all, even when dressed as a video game character, and you know what, good for you, bud. 6.45/10

Shannon: Unlike Megan, I can appreciate a good paso doble when I see one, and other than salsa, it’s one of my favorite Latin styles they feature on the show. That being said, I could not see or properly judge this dance because I was literally crying. In the run-up to this performance, Jimmie dedicated this dance to his father who died from kidney failure a few years ago. I, too, am a dead dad kid and coincidentally one of the last memories I have with my father is him on his way to work, asking me to fast-forward the Mulan video I was watching to this particular song because he really liked it. Anyway, they won the Mickey challenge. Abstain

They Made Olivia Jade Dress Like a Lion….

Megan: Nothing will ever make me feel so “ha ha ha” about America as Olivia Jade being on Dancing With the Stars does. She dances with the energy of a middling TikTok individual, but the closeup of her face in lion makeup made me laugh, so that’s something. 3.74/10

Shannon: She is really trying, and I will give her that, but there’s just something missing from these performances. I also wish she was a little more selective with her facial expressions because at some point it’s just distracting. 4/10

It’s Rude to Make the Miz Wear That Wig

Megan: Any dance that ends with an enthusiastic variation on the Charleston is a good thing in my book, but that sad ponytail atop the Miz’s big wrestler head is funny-bad. 5/10

Shannon: CLOSE YOUR MOUTH MICHAEL! 2/10

Oh Kenya, They Did You Wrong

Megan: Of all the dance styles featured on this program, contemporary is the hardest to fudge, especially if you’re not a trained dancer. Kenya tried it! It’s not her fault (it’s a little her fault), but this was really rough. 2/10

Shannon: As I told Megan during our very intelligent Slack exchange about this show, a bad dance is like porn and shackets, you know it when you see it and bless Kenya’s heart, I saw it. She looked great though. 1/10