We're Thirsty as Hell, and the Only Cure Is Platano Man

As perennially parched as I am, I usually don’t do thirst posts. I’d call today an exception but, dear friend, this isn’t really a thirst post—it’s an affirmation. An ode, suitable for a big ass Grecian urn. A declaration of love to the one true saint of this week, the hero New York City needs but certainly doesn’t deserve, Platano Man.

If you are unfamiliar, please, dear friend, let me acquaint you.

Platano Man, alias Juan Ayala, is the 31-year-old security guard who responsible for capturing a Becky Gone Wild on a Brooklyn D train on Tuesday this week. And before y’all get incensed over the usage of the word “Becky” in this case, please consider the sheer amounts of Caucasity it takes to call someone a “fucking chink” on a train full of Asians—after you’ve assaulted and spat at your Asian American victim.

Not only did our Platano Papí film all of this—with excellent cinematographic technique, it must be said—but he took it upon himself afterward to place 40-year-old Anna Lushchinskaya’s stark-raving racist ass under citizen’s arrest.

When has your fave????

Literally thousands of Twitter users flooded Platano Man’s mentions after he posted the videos, calling him a hero and applauding him for capturing Lushchinskaya’s awfulness on video and for detaining her until transit authorities could make an arrest. New Yorkers were so taken by their new superhero that the New York Daily News even gave our Maduro Man Crush their front page on Friday:

Speaking to the News, Ayala said Lushchinskaya tried to come for him too, calling him Muhammad Atta, one of the 9/11 terrorists, to which he responded like a true Brooklyn native would:

“Bitch, I’m Dominican,” Ayala said. “I just had a bacon, egg and cheese yesterday. Literally the whole world is laughing at you.”

Somebody give this man a podcast. Oh wait—like every other man on this tortured planet, he already has one.

At any rate, Ayala said he decided to take down Lushchinskaya, who apparently is a lawyer, after she knocked his phone out of his hand, spat at him, and tried to swing at his head with her keys in her hand. But our Zominican Zaddy—despite the jokes—was actually pretty nervous about the whole thing.

From the Daily News:

“In the history of my life, I have never seen a black person or a Dominican do a citizen’s arrest and be successful,” he said…

As he held Anna Lushchinskaya for police Tuesday morning, he couldn’t help but remember Jemel Roberson, the suburban Chicago security guard who was fatally shot by police after apprehending a gunman last month.

“Without those seven or eight witnesses, if those cops saw a black guy holding onto a blond girl, I probably would have been shot,” he said. “I was a little freaked out. I’m not gonna lie.”

And you thought your little boyfriend was cute when he helped you open that jar of peanut butter.

No word yet on if our Plantain King is single, but this is his pinned tweet at the moment. Feel free to slide in the DMs, but if those comments underneath Platano Man’s stickiest of thirst traps are any indication, competition could be pretty stiff in those parts.