We've Thought a Lot About Fucking Mr. Peanut, and We Have Additional Thoughts
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Earlier this afternoon, the Jezebel staff weighed the serious and ultimately very disturbing moral quandary about whether or not we would fuck Mr. Peanut, a mascot who unfortunately passed away sometime this morning. The nature of the the initial discussion was rollicking and deeply perverted, and ultimately the only person who decided that they would let the nut hit was me, Jezebel’s resident sensuality correspondent and staff pervert. This was not surprising. What has been surprising, however, is the amount of discussion this Would U has produced after the fact.
To be clear: this content is not staff sponsored. Part of the joy of working at Jezebel is surrounding myself with a feral pack of women who are willing and able to discuss with intellectual rigor the physical and moral implications of fucking a mascot that does not appear to have a dick.
My assumption after publishing the results of our depravity was that the staff would stop discussing the nut’s sexual prowess and that we would carry on with our day. However, after I checked the poll’s results, I discovered that the majority of our readers who chose to engage with this content have deigned to fuck the nut.
An unexpected plot twist that I certainly did not anticipate! But money talks. Mr. Peanut, debonair and classy, wears a monocle and carries a cane. He has three fingers. The cane, from what I can tell, is decorative. What does he look like under the shell? What pops out when you crack that dusty, brittle exterior? Is it two nuts and one dick? A penis that resembles the look and mouthfeel of a boiled peanut purchased at a gas station? Or is it something else, more unexpected and tender—the chance at and the promise of real love?
My personal opinion is that Mr. Peanut is one hundred percent a closet freak who, as I stated last year in private, had a D that is tucked up in it, but he fucks. The revelation of the poll’s results led to a more considered and nuanced conversation that explored the depths of our fears, desires, and willingness to give anyone a shot, really.
For the first time in Jezebel history, the Jezebel staff weighs in again:
Esther Wang: Just for the record i am a would for Mr Peanut.
Emily Alford: I’m a maybe. Like see where he would take me on a date. Does he have any interesting stories from the war? See how the night goes.
Esther Wang: As I told Ashley, because he is the mascot for his dead brethren, so I am sure he is into some dark and kinky shit.
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