After five years swimming through all manner of grody in the
swampy detritus that is OKCupid, Alli Reed decided to test her theory that
“a lot of men on that site would message literally any woman who had a
profile.”
…but the optimist in me wanted to believe that
there was a limit. Maybe there was a woman so awful, so toxic, so irredeemably
unlikeable that no one would message her, or if they did, at least they would
realize they never, ever wanted to meet her. So I made the OkCupid profile of
the Worst Woman on Earth, hoping to prove that there exists an online dating
profile so loathsome that no man would message it.
Reed, writing
over at Cracked, said she created a garbage human that no sane person
should want to hang out with. In her own words, she made the faux dater “mean,
spoiled, lazy, racist, manipulative, and willfully ignorant, and I threw in a
little gold digging just for funzies.” Sounds pretty awful.
To do that, she created AaronCarterFan, a 25-year-old woman
(white, 5’4) in Los Angeles whose self-summary exclaims: “Im a Goddess and
i do ME!!!!!” And, lest anyone was unclear about whether this was a
high-maintenance nutbag who would test the limits of any dude who dared message
in her direction, Reed gave AaronCarterFan the profile battle cry of batshit
women everywhere: “If u cant handle me at my worst u dont deserve me at my
best.”
From there, Reed made good on her goal to create, if not the Worst Woman on Earth, the
ultimate wildebeest. AaronCarterFan proceeds to gleefully reveal her favorite pastimes:
lying, manipulating loved ones and extortion. Her parents, for instance, think
she’s in law school so they pay her bills — “LMAOOOOOOO its
awesome” — and, as if to suggest she’s pulled this trick more than once,
she lists among her skills her ability to “convince people im pregnat lol.”
Oh, and she’s not just a bad speller, she’s also a racist and cruel. She only likes music from countries
like the USA that have bathrooms. In her spare time, she tries to “keep
America American” and enjoys knocking cups out of homeless people’s hands
because “its soooooo funny to try to watch them pick it all up
lolllllllll.”
The profile is a hilarious exercise in summoning all the
shallow, petty, illiterate, anti-intellectual bigotry and generally incurious
hatefulness you could squeeze into an online calling card, and it skillfully
plays on female gold-digging stereotypes too. AaronCarterFan is a perfect
candidate for a terrible reality show, and reminds me of all of the worst people I went
to high school with, writ large.
For pics, she used her friend’s images with permission, and
sat back to watch the magic not happen. Only, as you can guess, rather than the chirping crickets of societal excommunication, AaronCarterFan was
greeted with a slew of eager messages and requests to meet that night — 150 in
24 hours — stampeding hot ‘n’ heavy toward the hot ‘n’ horrible monster Reed had created.
So she shifted her goal. Now that she had them, she’d try, at least, to dissuade them. Reed decided to message the men back and try to get the men to lose
interest by being as pathologically awful in her messages as she’d promised in the profile. In a story as old as
time, nothing deterred these would-be boners in pursuit of a hot piece of
terrible tail.
It is an amusing read, but if there’s anything we can learn from this experiment, it is the following:
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