Where Do You Think The 'Wizard Rock' Was During Its Disappearance From the Arizona National Forest?

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Where Do You Think The 'Wizard Rock' Was During Its Disappearance From the Arizona National Forest?
Photo: (U.S. Forest Service)

In the Prescott National Forest (about two hours northwest of Phoenix), there’s this rock. It’s called the “Wizard Rock” because this beautiful and big black rock has white quartz running through it like a marbled cheesecake.

And it’s been missing for weeks. WEEKS.

But never fear, the U.S. Forest Service reported on Friday that Wizard Rock has been returned. “We are thrilled the Wizard Rock was returned, and are grateful that whoever took it was conscientious enough to give it back to the public. National Forests provide so many benefits to the American people, and when something like this happens, it highlights the intrinsic value of natural beauty in all forms,” Sarah Clawson, district ranger for the Bradshaw Ranger District, said in a statement posted to Facebook.

Or, if you’re me and looking for a benign conspiracy theory to jump on, the Wizard Rock has been redelivered by its captors. Now, it’s a 1-ton rock. That’s 2,000 pounds, so that’s why I’m not completely sold on the idea of it being “just stolen.” But here is an incomplete list of things I think could have happened.

  • Aliens, duh.
  • A very persistent bear
  • A recluse living in the forest wants to fuck with the rest of us
  • Nathan Fielder is actually reviving Nathan For You
  • Chefs from the central Cheesecake Factory borrowed it to study its marbled goodness
  • Forest workers went on a bender and forgot that they moved it
  • The Rock was training and forgot to tell the proper authorities
  • A rejected Into The Dark episode that no one followed up on
  • It was the centerpiece for a wake last month
  • An ofrenda needed a last-minute addition
  • Mitt Romney borrowed it to hide under when Ashley Feinberg figured out his dumb Twitter (seriously, what is the point of being Rich & Respectable™️ if you still have to be on Twitter?!)

What do you think happened to the boulder during its weeks on the lam?

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