Who Really Needs Royals Anyway?

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Who Really Needs Royals Anyway?
Photo:Getty Images

What service do modern royals provide, that rich people cannot also do? I ask earnestly, because I have spent some time racking my brain for a single thing they routinely accomplish that affects the lives of many, besides hold sway over a country’s nationalistic tendencies and enrich tabloid journalism. If you stripped, say, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry of their titles, I’d be hard pressed to explain how that would that alter their ability to be rich and frequently engage in charity work or step-and-repeats for art gallery openings.

Page Six reports that the royal duo, who are currently embroiled in a lawsuit against the British press, are considering a permanent move to Canada. This would involve potentially abandoning their titles, as well as recusing themselves from the workings of the British monarchy. According to sources who spoke to The Sun—which is a tabloid itself, correct?—their six-week sabbatical taking photos for random Canadian hikers has changed their outlook on being Sussexes. One says:

“Right now they are starting talks with their family about their plans for the future. It is clear they are on a different and unique path, and they are very much thinking about what the future looks like for them. That could include being based in Canada or the possibility of walking away from their HRH titles, although hopefully it will not come to that.”

Even journalist Tom Bradby, who spearheaded the Sussex’s divisive ITV documentary last year, informed a panel on Good Morning Britain Wednesday that their possible move was “no big secret.” As it tends to go, however, spokespeople for the couple refused to comment, while a spokesperson for the ever-looming Buckingham Palace simply told the DailyMail that “they would not comment on speculation.”

So again, I ask: Who really needs royals? I was hard pressed to answer this question when I first became aware of their existence some two decades ago, and I am even more hard pressed to find that answer now. Just fucking go for it! The monarchy entrenched itself in power through centuries of imperialist warmongering and an imagined British cultural supremacy. The Queen will surely die soon—RIP!—and leave her many offspring to do whatever the hell they please. Throw away the titles and just be rich instead! The coming revolution will be far less kind to monarchs, anyway. [Page Six]

Speaking of royalty, HGTV kingpin Jonathan Scott and future queen Zooey Deschanel have sparked engagement roomers, after—you guessed it—Jonathan left Zooey a sappy Instagram comment. (How do you think their assistants feel taking all these lovey-dovey pictures of the two?)

After Zooey posted the above Instagram, Jonathan responded: “May I have this…and all future dances?” She then replied to HIS comment with: “Yes, can’t wait. You’re my favorite dance partner.” I guess the logic here, if I was inserting myself into the mind of a rabid Jonathan Scott fan, would be:

  • Two people are in love.
  • People are in love get married.
  • I was at a wedding where there was dancing.
  • Jonathan Scott and Zooey Deschanel are going to dance at their wedding.
  • Jonathan Scott and Zooey Deschanel are getting married.

Again, the mind of an HGTV super-fan is a dark and perilous place, but I feel like I’ve probably cracked the code on the ensuing internet frenzy about this photo. Mostly, I’m interested to see if Zooey is as messy as fellow Hollywood divorceé Michelle Williams, who’s relationship timeline mirrors the Zooey’s, who was officially divorced as of September 6. A week later, she was spotted with Jonathan. Congrats to both, as they are definitely in love and equally corny. [Hollywood Life]

Ryan Seacrest should be jobless for all the terrible red carpet hosting he puts me through, but this made even my cold, dead heart smile:

  • Priyanka Chopra! [Hollywood Life]
  • Jodie Turner Smith thinks her husband is old as hell. [Just Jared]
  • DaBaby will not be charged for December’s airport brawl. [TMZ]
  • A classic Page Six hed and lede: Suzanne Somers hits NYC — on a fractured hip — to promote her book: ““I have a crutch and my 5-inch Manolo Blahniks.” [Page Six]
  • What’s going on with Brooks Laich and Julianne Hough? [Us Weekly]
  • Matthew Knowles knows he had absolutely no right to post that photo of Blue Ivy yesterday. [Hollywood Life]
  • Please don’t let Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton perform at the Grammys. [E!]
  • Twist! Nicki Minaj loves her wax figure, surprisingly. [TMZ]
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