How is it that this fairly modest biopic about a Texan sniper can make Marvel money after just three weeks of being theaters?
Nope.
Uh, no.
Fuck you.
That only leaves one possible explanation for the box office bonanza of American Sniper: the buffet of hot dicks, butch daddies, and laid off Abercrombie models that are crammed into nearly every single, quivering scene of this movie. It is essentially a porn parody of Black Hawk Down on a spiritual and intellectual level.
To start, Bradley Cooper has reached peak Daddy Bear status. And America is FEELING IT.
According to IMDB’s trivia page about the movie:
Bradley Cooper really wanted to do justice to the size of Chris Kyle because he felt he would not be accurately portraying the man if he did not look huge like him. He said that after every take, he would go and ask the crew, “Did I look big enough?”
Even when the filmmakers thought Bradz should turn down the butch, he pressed on.
At his peak, Bradley Cooper could deadlift 425 pounds, twice his bodyweight, for 5 sets of 10 reps each. Cooper said that during a workout scene in the film where he’s seen deadlifting, he was actually deadlifting 425 pounds and that it wasn’t dummy weights on the set even though the film-makers suggested he use dummy weights for the scene.
I don’t even think these bros lift.
Maybe Honcho Cooper is not to your taste. Fear not. What American Sniper fails to deliver on—adult ideas, pathos, honesty—it makes up for in the variety of hot dudes grunting and flexing their square jaws for you. Eastwood’s commitment to keeping beautiful actors in the Screen Actor’s Guild is unparalleled.
No names tags, just yearning stares, sir.
A frank discussion about gladiator movies.
Feeling *triggered*, ladies?
This movie is stupid and gross, by the way!
Images via Warner Bros and Getty
