Your Gnarliest Poop Stories

Everybody— even Beyoncé — poops. Sometimes things do not go well. Let’s discuss it.

My favorite Poop Gone Awry story is a bit of an internet urban legend that I first heard from an old coworker of mine, who swore it happened to his friend who lives in LA. Story goes that a guy who has long had a pining crush on a girl finally gets the nerve to ask her out. He’s nervous, but, to his relief, things are going pretty okay on the date; both parties are having a great time. But then he farts, and a little something extra comes out with the stored gas. Crap. Literally.

The guy tries to keep his date from knowing what had happened by convincing her to stop at a Gap store, where he buys a pair of pants. They arrive at their next destination (in the version I heard, it was an outdoor concert) and the guy makes a beeline for the commode. As soon as he gets in, he tears off his poopypants and boxers, balls them up, and chucks them out of a window. Cleans himself up. Opens the Gap bag. And it contains…

A sweater. The checkout girl at the Gap accidentally gave him. A. Sweater. Instead. Of. Pants.

In other versions, the couple is on a train heading home from New York City, or in an apartment some distance from the ground floor. And it always ends with horrified laughter, because errant poop is horrifying, even if it’s the star of a story that turns out to be made up.

But before we get to what I’m expecting will be literally the crappiest pissing contest ever, let’s talk last week’s winner, the beloved and consistently hilarious cassiebearRAWR, who is into such porns as rape porn, hypnosis porn, something called vore that I dare all of you to google, and milking. Also revealed: is an actual bear.

Now, get ready to talk shit.

Image via Shutterstock

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